Vulnerability and Great Sex

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In my last post, I wrote about the eight key factors necessary for GREAT sex.  One of the factors was vulnerability.  Six of the other seven factors required vulnerability as a prerequisite for achieving them.  So it seems to me that it would be helpful to write a little about vulnerability, since it's so vital to having great sex.

The ability to be vulnerable means that you are capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  In this case, we are talking about emotional wounding.  Interestingly, one of the definitions of vulnerable in the dictionary is this:  liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge.  I think romantic relationships and contract bridge must have a lot in common.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship does subject you to increased penalties.  You might feel foolish or misunderstood, and you might even get your heart broken.  At the same time, the increased bonuses make it worthwhile.  You can have GREAT sex and an amazing love life.  You can live with your best friend; someone whom you trust deeply and who trusts you too.  You'll be able to have deep conversations or no conversation and feel just as comfortable in each situation.  You'll feel seen, heard and understood by your partner.  Who wouldn't want all that?

All it takes is a willingness to be vulnerable.  Yeah, that's all.  How does someone do that? 

  1. Get to know yourself.  What are your deepest hopes and fears?  Review your life so far and decide what you're proud of, and what you'd like a "do-over" for.  In order to be vulnerable, you have to know yourself really well.  Don't be afraid to sit with your own thoughts.  I know that's easier said than done, but with a little practice it does get easier. 
  2. Trust that the Universe is conspiring on your behalf. Trust is a necessary part of being vulnerable.  If you don't trust—in the person you're going to bare your soul to AND that what you're sharing is valuable—you'll never open up to someone.
  3. Share something meaningful about yourself with your romantic partner.  You can do this a little at a time.  In fact, I do not recommend you bare your soul and all of the skeletons in your closet on a first date.  That would be kinda creepy!  But you can share something on a first date, and definitely need to start revealing yourself to your partner by the third date at the latest.  If you're already in a relationship and haven't been sharing like this, there's no time like the present to begin.
  4. Commit to opening your heart.  Yes, this is scary and unfamiliar territory.  But it's totally worth it.  It may get broken, but as one of my teachers once said, "Just when you think your heart is breaking, it's breaking open.  It's not really your heart that breaks, but the protective crust around it." 

Are you willing to make that commitment?  Are you willing to get to know yourself really well and share your sweet, strong, wonderful self with another person?  Are you ready for some extraordinary sex?

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