Once you each have your lists, sit down
together and read each other’s list.
Don’t judge the things on the lists.
I recommend that you make an agreement to do at least one thing on the
lists for each other every day for two weeks.
Inevitably, some of the things on your list will be challenging for him,
and vice versa. Just start with one of
the easier things instead. Some examples
might be: give me a 10 second hug when
you come home from work, kiss me good-bye in the morning (even if you think I’m
asleep), remember to put the toilet seat down, and scratch my back for two
minutes. They don’t have to be big
tasks! And yes, you can repeat some of
the things, but make your best effort to get to everything.
This is not a barter agreement, by the
way. You focus on your job, which is to
let your partner know you care about him in ways that are meaningful to
him. If you wait to do yours until he’s
done his, your mind will rebel and the entire exercise won’t work.
There are many reasons why an exercise like
this works to bring couples closer together.
When you give or receive something comforting (like a 10 second hug), it
releases oxytocin into your system, which is a hormone that makes you feel more
connected to the person who is either receiving or giving the comfort. On another level, when you consistently
engage in loving acts, your nervous system resets itself to both want to give
more and relax into receiving. And
lastly, the part of your brain that sees everyone as either a danger or someone
to trust will begin to see your partner once more as someone to trust. Once that part of your brain begins to trust
him again, it will make it easier for you to be intimate again.
After two weeks of this exercise, sit down
together and talk about what it was like for each of you. Decide if you want to make new lists or if
you might be ready for the seven days of sex.