ProConnect

Happily Ever After?

By

Happily Ever After?
Exploring the myth that healthy relationships are free of conflict

      I’ve been writing a lot lately about fairy tale myths and other lies that lead people to have unrealistic expectations in their relationships. The last lie I want to address is the myth that a healthy relationship is free of conflict. In other words, that Happily Ever After means you never fight. In my experience, the only romantic relationships that are free of conflict are the ones that don’t communicate their true feelings.


      It is perfectly normal to have disagreements with your partner. The conflicts most couples have are based on blame, shame and guilt. Because most relationships are emotionally fused, each partner’s sense of self is fragile. You walk around on eggshells, afraid to upset your partner and be the target of his verbal barrage of arrows aimed at your fragile heart. Or you might be the one on the attack, shooting down your partner’s attempts at differentiating.

More from YourTango: 5 Ways Abandonment Issues Can Ruin Your Relationships


      In order for conflicts to improve the relationship, they have to become less defensive. You have to be willing to show your vulnerability and be courageous enough to ask for what you want. I call this speaking authentically.


      Communication is critical to growing and nurturing relationships of all kinds. When we talk about our feelings, we come from either love or fear. In other words, we communicate either authentically or from a place of feeling vulnerable and afraid. Communicating authentically will always improve a relationship, even when what we communicate is not something the other wants to hear. When someone is trying to differentiate themselves within their relationship, clear and authentic communication is a powerful tool to use.

More from YourTango: 50 Shades Of Grey: Do You Like It Rough?


      Communicating from a place of vulnerability will rarely improve a relationship. The only time communicating from vulnerability helps is when you’re communicating from a place of authentic vulnerability, and that’s a difficult skill to learn. It takes being willing to be afraid, and openly talk about what you’re afraid of to your partner, who’s usually the person who sparks the fear in the first place. Therefore, it’s important to be able to discern where you’re coming from… ideally before you open your mouth to speak.

     Some signs you are communicating from vulnerability and fear include snapping back a quick response, like a knee-jerk reaction, without thinking. You may be more concerned with getting your point across than listening to what the other person is saying. You feel attacked by what the other is saying, which is also a sign that your partner is speaking from fear as well. You may also say things to hurt the other person’s feelings or make them feel guilty for having their own point of view,

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Recent Expert Posts
Staying Dry

10 Signs Your Guy is Smitten

Does that new hunky guy you've been dating see you in his future? Here are 10 ways he'll show you.

Girl Decorates Easter Eggs

Rebirth Renew Happy Easter!

Five ways to get going on your best life today!

Texting Your Way To Love

How To Have Cyber Sex: 5 Keys To Unlock Your Lady's Passion

Cyber sex partners disappearing right when things are heating up? Make them crave you instead!

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS