He Cheated; Should We Get Divorced?

Asking for answerability about time, money, friends, and more creates practical criteria for your emotional safety. If she agrees, consider that a positive toward reconciliation. If she refuses, you likely should consider that a negative.

As you decide, carefully evaluate whether or not your straying spouse demonstrates her remorse and understanding of your need for reassurance and reestablishing trust.

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4. Make your own decision. As much as you love your family and friends and need their support during your crisis, do not seek their advice nor allow them to tell you what you should do. Because they love you, their anger toward the person who hurt you probably clouds their judgment.

Your decision to reunite or divorce affects the rest of your life. Reaching the best conclusion requires balance and objectivity. Do not expect to receive that from anyone who feels any inclination to pay back the person who cheated on you. Their love for you may blind them to the possibility of rescuing the relationship and the benefits that reconciliation brings.

Before making your decision about divorce or reconciliation, seek balanced counsel rather than biased counsel.

5. Consider what your decision means for your future. If your spouse demonstrates a pattern of deceit and infidelity, you do better to face the truth than pretend everything will magically remedy itself.

On the other hand, my experience with thousands of marriages indicates that if a couple can work out their difficulties, learn to forgive, create the right boundaries to prevent future problems and do the things that make love grow, their marriage will be stronger after the affair than it was before the affair. Adultery did not make it stronger. Rather, the "wake up call" and the subsequent building of a solid relationship made it stronger.

When making your decision to reconcile or divorce, think of the effect on your children. Holidays, seating and honors at your children’s weddings, potential half-siblings, and many other matters will become part of their lives as well as yours if either you or your mate marry someone else.

Divorce or reconciliation creates consequences. Think carefully about how your decision will affect your future.

6. Seek the proper help. There are many professionals who can help you through deciding whether to reconcile, and then, if you wish, to actually accomplish the reconciliation. They can help you love again and have a better marriage than you had.

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