Sometimes I'd catch myself hiding, tired of feeling vulnerable. I would disconnect from the world. I knew I was being deceptive to my promises and to my life.
But I knew I wanted to be free. So I moved past that and got back into the zone. Running and weight training put me in a meditative zone that I had never experienced before. This taste of freedom kept me wanting more.
More from YourTango: 7 Tips To Owning Your Sexy For A Reason Not a Season
After more than 15 years in education, I made another conscious decision to resign and head back to school to obtain certifications in both personal training and life coaching. I was scared as hell, but I knew if I didn't, I would never know what I was missing.
Now I am 40 and in the best shape of my life in every way — mind, body and spirit. I now know those promises I made to him were actually to myself. Now when I go into that dark, disconnected place that I first went to on November 11, 2009, it not as dark, but it's still lonely.
I go there when I'm feeling afraid of shining, being happy, loving and living a full amazing life. I go there when I feel like I can't go anymore. The difference now is that I know that I must reach out to the people that love me for help.
I deserve to be here and I have so much love to give to this world. At "Widows Find Love," I teach and inspire other young widows to find the courage to untangle from the grief and breathe love back into their loves. My system is called "untangle" and I use it with one-on-one coaching and in my current course "Beyond the Story & Back to You."
More from YourTango: Widowed & Dating: How I Learned To Love 2 Men
One of my first steps in the system is a scientifically-proven assessment created by Bruce Schneier, the founder of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, that measures how someone is lacking in life and love. It's called the Love Again Quotient (LAQ) and it has created huge paradigm shifts in grieving. That system combined with untangled transforms minds, bodies and spirits.