Most days I lay there awake wanting to reach out a grab him with complete adoration, but dreading getting up I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Life was not as bad as it sounds here and actually it was pretty darn good really, but I was too busy from all of the things I thought it was my job to do to pay mind to such things as love, breath, and the moment. I had a limiting belief that I needed to do it all and be it all because no one was going to do it for me. I also had a deep subconscious, hidden belief that it made me smarter, wiser, and more well rounded if I did.
The morning he was killed, he woke like every other day. It was dark and I heard his jacket swishing in the dark. I had this burning, pounding desire to stop him. It was as if a voice inside my chest were speaking to me. I heard this voice often but I ignored it by quieting her down with agitation or blame.
More from YourTango: 4 Simple Acts That Lead To Love In Times Of Grief
On this morning however, I chose to listen. I couldn’t even get the words out not because I was tired but because I was afraid. I was afraid to love like my soul knew to love and my spirit was crying out for.
I let out a moan of sorts and he came to my bedside. “I love you. “ I said. I remember feeling so proud of myself that I was able to get the words out. I was able to tell my husband, the man I chose to marry and have 3 children with, that I loved him.
It wasn’t that I never told him, it wasn’t that he didn’t know, but it was that I couldn’t let go of the thoughts in my head long enough to let my true emotions and feelings come out. This is vulnerability and it takes great courage to let go of those limiting thoughts in your head that keep you from living the life you’re here to love.
That one moment of getting naked in my vulnerability has shifted my perspective on love and speaking love when I feel it rise. I made 3 promises to Thor and one of those promises is that I would love like I have never known love before never willingly holding back on giving it, receiving it, showing it, or sharing it. I will never be perfect at it but it’s perfect in the moment if I stay true to the promise.
More from YourTango: 7 Tips To Owning Your Sexy For A Reason Not a Season
Now that is a Sexy Soul…