“Every decision, no matter how slight, alters the trajectory of your life." John Assaraf
The decision I made the day my husband was killed changed the way I see every decision I make today.
I've made some really big decisions in my life but none have had more of an impact in my life than the three words -“I love you”.
My husband was one of those happy people you have a love hate relationship with. You loved to be around him but you hated how happy he was. I know no one like that now ;)
I particularly hated the mornings as he popped out of bed excited just to be here, "Come on Babe! This could be your last day. Get up and love me!"
He left for work a few minutes before I wanted to get up in the morning so we had an agreement that he wouldn't be so excited and would quietly slip out unnoticed in the morning.
Most days I lay there awake wanting to reach out a grab him with complete adoration, but dreading getting up I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Life was not as bad as it sounds here and actually it was pretty darn good really, but I was too busy from all of the things I thought it was my job to do to pay mind to such things as love, breath, and the moment. I had a limiting belief that I needed to do it all and be it all because no one was going to do it for me. I also had a deep subconscious, hidden belief that it made me smarter, wiser, and more well rounded if I did.
The morning he was killed, he woke like every other day. It was dark and I heard his jacket swishing in the dark. I had this burning, pounding desire to stop him. It was as if a voice inside my chest were speaking to me. I heard this voice often but I ignored it by quieting her down with agitation or blame.
On this morning however, I chose to listen. I couldn’t even get the words out not because I was tired but because I was afraid. I was afraid to love like my soul knew to love and my spirit was crying out for.
I let out a moan of sorts and he came to my bedside. “I love you. “ I said. I remember feeling so proud of myself that I was able to get the words out. I was able to tell my husband, the man I chose to marry and have 3 children with, that I loved him.
It wasn’t that I never told him, it wasn’t that he didn’t know, but it was that I couldn’t let go of the thoughts in my head long enough to let my true emotions and feelings come out. This is vulnerability and it takes great courage to let go of those limiting thoughts in your head that keep you from living the life you’re here to love.
That one moment of getting naked in my vulnerability has shifted my perspective on love and speaking love when I feel it rise. I made 3 promises to Thor and one of those promises is that I would love like I have never known love before never willingly holding back on giving it, receiving it, showing it, or sharing it. I will never be perfect at it but it’s perfect in the moment if I stay true to the promise.
Now that is a Sexy Soul…