Anger: Good or Bad for Your Relationship?


Anger: Good or Bad for Your Relationship?
Discover how to make anger work for you.

Pitfalls for the Warrior: As a Warrior you can be intimidating. During conflict the focus should be on expressing yourself not on controlling your partner.

Tips for the Peacemaker…express yourself and ‘hide not’:

  • You usually do a great job listening but not expressing yourself, which leaves your partner hungry and needing to hear from you.
  • If your partner is disrespectful and intimidating then call him/her on it and ask them to refrain from those behaviors.
  •  Instead of withdrawing from a fight, try listening and then affirming what made sense.
  •  Ask questions to clarify what you didn’t understand.
  •  What doesn’t your partner know about the situation that you can shine some light on?

Pitfalls for the Peacemaker: Tendencies to withdraw and break connection inflict more pain to an already established wound. Learn to stay connected by expressing your thoughts. You will discover that by staying engaged, the conflict will smooth out even if you don’t come to an agreement at that time.

What anger is not: Hostility is a deep-seated ill will against another. Rage is a feeling of intense or growing anger also known as wrath or fury.  Hostility and rage indicate aggression, often defined as acting out anger, usually stemming from not feeling heard. Hostility and rage as well as unresolved anger, can lead to depression and anxiety disorders. These emotions will wreak havoc in both your personal health and relationships—and it isn’t pretty. 

I’m sure you’ve been in situations with individuals who use aggression or hostility to control and dominate a situation or worse yet—you! Expressing yourself in this fashion is harmful and should not be practiced unless you’re aiming for relationship wreckage. So when experiencing anger or conflict, examine your actions and attitudes. Are you led by a need to control or by self-control? Are you led by love for your relationship and your mate? Conflict is growth trying to happen and anger expressed in healthy ways can be a powerful motivator for change.

The Anger/Aggression Sexual Connection: Sex and aggression sells—just turn on the television. Media extorts this connection. Have you checked out the Best Sellers Lists?  Although, many of us are too modest to say so, there is something captivating about sex and aggression. Our sexuality has an inherent push and pull mechanism.

Love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. These opposing forces create tension and conflict needing to be managed in order for love and closeness to grow while not squelching sexual intimacy.

Next time you experience conflict in your marriage, remember resolved anger can lead directly to sexual intimacy because the distance created between the two of you is needed to generate desire. Be aware that chronic anger or unresolved anger can cause relationship problems that decrease the libido.

Hmmm, I think Paul had the right idea when he said, “Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

Contact me for a complimentary strategic consultation.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Jianny Adamo


Jianny Adamo, LMHC, LPC, NCC

Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach


Location: Delray Beach, FL
Credentials: LMHC, LPC, MA, NCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support, Marriage, Spiritual
Other Articles/News by Jianny Adamo:

What To Do When Your Loving Boyfriend Is Too Broke


Dear Jianny,  I have been dating a wonderful man for about six months. I don't think I have ever felt more loved, adored and appreciated by anyone. However, he has no steady income. I am in my early 50s, divorced and not making much money. I am concerned about my financial future. He provides for my emotional needs, but not the realistic side: ... Read more

Can I Really Stay Friends With My Ex? Finally, A Straight Answer!


Dear Fearless Love, I am still friends with my ex, but my current boyfriend has an issue with this. We are just friends, but he feels uncomfortable about us still hanging out together. What am I obligated to do here? Do we break up or am I forced to give up the friendship even though we've known each other a very long time? -Cindee Dear ... Read more

Want To Fight Fair? Listen To Your Partner


Dear Fearless Love, From time to time, my husband and I argue — over big and little things. While he tends to keep his cool, typically I get very upset and often say things that I regret. This makes it even worse. I love my husband and don't want to damage our relationship, however I don't know how to "argue" the right way. He says I ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.