A sex addiction is NOT sexy.
If you've been dating for a while, you know that navigating the dating scene is downright scary at times. Would you recognize the warning signals when dealing with a sex addict? Sex addiction is the fastest growing type of addiction in the U.S., and unfortunately, it’s one of the hardest to detect and treat.
Sex addiction, sexual dependency, or hypersexuality is when an individual’s life is dominated with the need to have an intensity—based experience usually surrounding sex—the thought of sex, planning his or her conquest or encounters. The secret, dark life of the addict becomes more important than other aspects of his or life such as maintaining regular eating habits, prioritizing exercising, maintaining a strong work ethic or fostering healthy relationships.
An addict organizes his or her life around escalation and engagement in risky behavior, regardless of the increasingly disastrous consequences. It's not uncommon for the person with a sexual addiction to rationalize and justify his or her behaviors and thought patterns; they’re usually in heavy denial that a problem exists.
Don't let a sex addict drag you down with them. If you suspect you are dating someone with a sex addiction, the following are 11 telltale signs:
1. He Lacks Character
To keep his secret world safe, he will present a charming social exterior. However, you will start to see a pattern of behaviors and attitudes that lack integrity. There's little substance to his word, and you'll notice inconsistencies between his stories and the facts. Many sex addicts lead a double life and are sociopathic and narcissistic, making them expert liars and manipulators. Don’t expect to receive a remorseful or a sincere apology for his wrong-doings.
2. He's A Romance Junkie—At First
In the beginning, he's romantic, passionate and sexual. He's got moves and will engage you early and often to see how far he can get with you (although some sex addicts will show self-control in order to study you). The more you resist, the BIGGER the challenge and rush he gets. He will invade your personal space right from the first encounter. He's impressively scary sometimes as he shows off his skill sets—from cornering you in an elevator and making you quiver to fingering you while you’re still fully clothed and certainly not expecting to be that intimate that quickly.
3. Sex Is His Most Important Need
He usually brags that he can have sex several times a day, but sex addicts are selfish lovers looking for their gratification. Be wary when a potential partner is unwilling to delay his sexual gratification in favor of getting better acquainted with you.
4. He Loses Track Of Time
The pursuit and engagement of pleasure is his priority. Everything else isn’t that important to him. Watch for lapses in time and his inability to show up to your dates on time or bring you home when you asked to be back.
5. He's Cavalier About Unsafe Sex And STD's
This brings up the stakes and the rush. He simply doesn’t care if sexual safety, security and precaution is thrown to the wind. He also shows similar recklessness in other aspects of his life.
6. He's Commitment-Phobic
He doesn’t want commitments. He might marry for ulterior motives such as financial gains or status within the community, but love ISN'T the motive.
7. He's A Serial Dater
It’s not unusual for him to date or pursue multiple individuals at any given time, while keeping each of them in the dark about the others. Unless their preference is porn, most sex addicts have lost count of how many partners they’ve had. He hasn’t spent any time in their adult life alone. He goes from one relationship or sexual partner to the next with a history of cheating and/or porn use.
8. He WON'T Take “No” For An Answer
A sign of addiction is the inability to accept an unsatisfied desire. Look for persistent signs of nagging, pursuing, or complaining to get what he wants. For an addict, your “no” lacks meaning, unlike a person who's not sexually addicted who accepts, "Sorry, I'm tired, I’m not interested, it’s too soon,” etc.
9. He's Emotionally Detached
The sexual activity doesn't satisfy the addict—sexually or emotionally. He does NOT bond with you. Once he walks out the door, he's already forgotten you. It's not uncommon to hear something forced like, “I forgot how nice it is to see you,” even though you were just together a few days ago.
10. He Shows Many Clear Signs Of Sex Addiction
The most telling and universally applicable signs are:
- Unsafe sex
- Persistent use of pornography
- Phone or chat-room sex and/or cybersex
- One-night stands
- Extra-marital affairs
- GPS hook-ups
- Obsessive online dating
- Larger than average number of sexual partners
- Compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution or using prostitutes
- Sexual harassment, molestation, or rape
11. Your Gut Tells You Something's Wrong
If you’re reading this, chances are you at least suspect your new beau is a sex addict. Don’t wait for the unavoidably traumatic ending of love that occurs when you're involved with a person trapped within a toxic sexual addiction. Cut him loose IMMEDIATELY and save yourself the heartache.
The best way to protect and safeguard your heart is to wait to be in a fully committed relationship before you engage sexually. The signs of addiction should emerge by then, and you'll have had time to develop other important connections necessary to support a lifelong happy and healthy marriage.
Get unstuck with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at firstname.lastname@example.org, speak with her at 954-495-4566 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.
This article was originally published at www.fearlesslove.net. Reprinted with permission from the author.