I was never a desperate woman, so let’s make certain that is clear! And while we are clearing the air, I also wasn’t unattractive, overweight, needy, or unintelligent. I had my own place, my own car, a very nice career, I took care of myself physically, dressed nicely, I was educated on many levels, had no children and to top it off—I grew up with my daddy in the house. I had no baggage. I was optimistic about the future and had no chip on my shoulder. I wasn’t even loud or obnoxious. In my opinion, I had it going on. I was a great catch for a life-long partner!
So why was I consistently single? I just couldn’t figure it out. I started to feel like Rose Lorkowski in the movie Sunshine Cleaning who stated,
“There’s not a lot that I’m good at, but I’m good at getting guys to want me! Not date me, or marry me, but want me!”
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I. Was. Super. Single! I was the queen of singleness—single life was what I knew. I knew everything about attracting and seducing men, but something just wasn’t clicking in the whole commitment realm.
I knew that there had to be many women who could genuinely understand and relate to what it felt like. According to a recent Yale study, 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. Even if no woman would confess it, the statistics spoke for themselves. They were loud and clear.
It would have been so simple to place the blame on everyone else, but deep down I knew it couldn’t be everyone else that created this dilemma for me. And it was a personal dilemma of mine, because I didn’t want to be single any longer. I wanted to be in a relationship that lasted. And then I came to this conclusion.
Warning: My conclusion will highly offend many women who don’t prepare themselves for this message…
It wasn’t the black church (or pastors for that matter), it wasn’t society, friends, or even the alarming statistics of incarcerated, homosexual, unfaithful or unavailable men in the U.S. that worked against me!
At the end of the day, my being single was ultimately because—of—me!
These are my twenty-four confessions of how I contributed to my own singleness…Let’s start with #24:
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#24: Curse of Ego. I completed myself—and it showed in my words and actions. It is one thing to feel complete within, but I left no room available for a potential partner to feel “necessary” in my life. I supplied everything to me. I also consider this the Independent Woman Syndrome—the “I don’t need a man to do anything for me,” syndrome. Yes, that was me!
#23: Single Woman Decisions. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I sure didn’t make decisions that aligned to those wants. No one could tell me what to do with my time, money, or space. I also didn’t want anyone to tell me to change. I’d worked too hard to create me. No change was necessary, at least not for me.