24 Empowering Confessions of an EX-Single Black Female.
I was never a desperate woman, so let’s make certain that is clear! And while we are clearing the air, I also wasn’t unattractive, overweight, needy, or unintelligent. I had my own place, my own car, a very nice career, I took care of myself physically, dressed nicely, I was educated on many levels, had no children and to top it off—I grew up with my daddy in the house. I had no baggage. I was optimistic about the future and had no chip on my shoulder. I wasn’t even loud or obnoxious. In my opinion, I had it going on. I was a great catch for a life-long partner!
So why was I consistently single? I just couldn’t figure it out. I started to feel like Rose Lorkowski in the movie Sunshine Cleaning who stated,
“There’s not a lot that I’m good at, but I’m good at getting guys to want me! Not date me, or marry me, but want me!”
I. Was. Super. Single! I was the queen of singleness—single life was what I knew. I knew everything about attracting and seducing men, but something just wasn’t clicking in the whole commitment realm.
I knew that there had to be many women who could genuinely understand and relate to what it felt like. According to a recent Yale study, 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. Even if no woman would confess it, the statistics spoke for themselves. They were loud and clear.
It would have been so simple to place the blame on everyone else, but deep down I knew it couldn’t be everyone else that created this dilemma for me. And it was a personal dilemma of mine, because I didn’t want to be single any longer. I wanted to be in a relationship that lasted. And then I came to this conclusion.
Warning: My conclusion will highly offend many women who don’t prepare themselves for this message…
It wasn’t the black church (or pastors for that matter), it wasn’t society, friends, or even the alarming statistics of incarcerated, homosexual, unfaithful or unavailable men in the U.S. that worked against me!
At the end of the day, my being single was ultimately because—of—me!
These are my twenty-four confessions of how I contributed to my own singleness…Let’s start with #24:
#24: Curse of Ego. I completed myself—and it showed in my words and actions. It is one thing to feel complete within, but I left no room available for a potential partner to feel “necessary” in my life. I supplied everything to me. I also consider this the Independent Woman Syndrome—the “I don’t need a man to do anything for me,” syndrome. Yes, that was me!
#23: Single Woman Decisions. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I sure didn’t make decisions that aligned to those wants. No one could tell me what to do with my time, money, or space. I also didn’t want anyone to tell me to change. I’d worked too hard to create me. No change was necessary, at least not for me.
#22: Birds of a Feather. I surrounded myself with women who were just like me. Just. Like. Me! So, when I would behave childishly, selfishly, and irresponsibly in my relationship, my “just like me” girlfriends would be there to help justify my behavior. Cause if they didn’t, they couldn’t justify theirs since we were so similar. It made sense to us. I didn’t need a man anyway! And we always reminded each another of this. What are friends for, right?
#21: My Silent Beliefs. Deep down inside, I had two beliefs: (1) He is every man before him (i.e. all men end up being the same and (2) when a man’s back is up against the wall, they will leave (mentally or physically). Both created self-fulfilling prophecies in my life.
#20: I Wanted Who Everyone Wanted For Me. I wanted who commercials told me I should want, who my mother, aunts and cousins wanted (for themselves…and) for me, who my girlfriends wanted (for themselves and) for me. It was no different than completing my degree. I did it because it was what everyone else expected of me. I had such potential in their eyes. Why let them down now?
#19: Advice Chasing. I would get advice from everyone about my relationship—especially my girlfriends. I would talk terribly about my guy to anyone who would listen. I spent more time talking to my friends than I did with my guy—and he was the one I felt wronged by. This also created more drama for my relationship. It’s difficult to make a relationship work with someone that everyone else now despises.
#18: Making Assumptions. I’ve always had a type. A man was either, “my type,” or “not my type.” There was no in between and typically my decision was made before getting to know him. In other words, “my type” had everything to do with what I could see. Anything that I couldn’t see—I assumed. What does that mean anyway…”he’s not my type.”
#17: Playing the Game. I became very good at the hunt and chase. I kept looking for those men who wanted to play games right along with me. It was attractive, it was seductive, it was a rush of adrenaline—for the two months it lasted. What I didn’t know is that you can’t make someone serious, when they came to play games.
#16: Planning for Life. I planned for a relationship the way in which I planned my life. I actually wrote down the year I was going to be married and the year I was going to have children. This caused me to move faster. Stopping to smell the roses was a quote that was not meant for me. I was on a mission. I had a plan. Taking something (such as a relationship) day to day was not for me. I couldn’t just let a relationship happen. No matter how often suggested to me, I couldn’t relax. I had