I began to allow myself to be vulnerable also. I became totally invested in a relationship for the first time in my life. I was very attracted to him and he was to me. I was renting a seven-acre farm and old house that was up for sale. I absolutely loved the property. I asked him if he wanted to buy it with me. He floored me when he said he would. I was overwhelmed to the point of tears. I was so tired of doing it all on my own, to have someone share my world brought me such joy. I felt like the first time in my life I had a partner that had my back. He not afraid of my ex and he loved me. Three months later after being swept off my feet he asked me to marry him. It felt too soon, so I post-poned a decision till we visited my neighbor's next door for drinks. They instantly liked each other and they told me not to let this one get away. I knew it was fast, but it felt so right. My adult children were very happy for me. Walking home I told him I was ready to marry him.
During the preparations for our outdoor wedding, Jason became tense and stressed. He began to drink more beer as the time for our wedding neared. His best friend asked him, "Are you sure you want to do this?" My daughter mentioned I did attract alcholholics. No! I thought, he couldn't be. Our wedding was lovely. My mother even loved Jason. She remarked she had never seen such a perfectly matched pair. We had a really beautiful and intimate wedding. We did not take a honeymoon because we could not afford one. Instead we planned a ski trip to Utah in February.
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Immediiately after our wedding everything changed. Jason became aloof. He went off riding with his buddies more than usual. Spending less and less time at home with me. Whenever I brought up any relationship issues he got riled up and angry immediately. I knew this was a passive aggressive way to avoid dealing with problems. Two months after our wedding Jason got angry because so much of his paycheck was going to pay for our property and demanded, "I better get to go on my ski trip in February!" I was hurt because we were planning to go together. Six months after our wedding, two things happened that changed the course of our marriage. My 14-year old daughter moved in with us full-time instead of half time. Jason stopped having sex with me. He said it was because my daughter's room was so close to ours. I was crushed. I began to put on weight because of his rejection of me. I blamed myself. Then Jason made plans for a weekend getaway with "his daughter" which felt strange and suspicious. She lived in Florida. He said he was picking her up at the airport and taking her somewhere. He did not bother to call the first night as he said he would. I felt in my gut something was not right.
In February, it was clear Jasaon did not want me to go on the ski trip with him. He would not hug or make love to me before he left. When he returned he felt like a limp noodle, not even putting his arms around me in bed anymore. I knew he had had an affair.
Our relationship went from bad to worse. He denied the affair, but continued to avoid me, going to bed by 8:00 PM every night. When I suggested a romantic dinner date he argued with me the whole time we were looking for a place to go, driving me to Chili's instead. I was devastated. He wanted nothing to do with romance or intimacy. No amount of broaching the subject would get him to budge he refused to talk about it. By May I demanded that something change. Although he would not make a decision, he continued to refuse sex unless it was me giving oral sex to him. With that he would never open his eyes and look at me. I began to put it all together. The trips, the weekends, the riding with the guys. His wife's affairs. He was attempting to desperately cling to a heterosexual lifestyle for the image only. He was gay. He had not come out yet and did not want to.
My anger surfaced one day while in our barn. I took every bike and part of his and flung them out of my barn. I cursed and yelled and then cried. Our marriage was over and my husband was gay.
Jason's father and uncle had molested him when he was a child. His father had beaten him up for being too emotional and girly. Like so many boys molested by the same sex molestor he continued to supress his urges for gay sex. But he clearly did not want to have heterosexual sex.
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We were divorced by the time we were married 13 months. There was nothing left. After our divorce was final I met three other women near my age who had also married men who later told them they were gay. The rejection and betrayal was profound. I could not complete with another man. It took me months of daily crying to process the grief and sadness.