Many women base their understanding of love on popular culture. Girl meets boy. Boy makes girl feel special. Together they overcome obstacles and find freedom. The end. Love may be everything. But putting the burden on the other person in the relationship screws up the very thing you crave. Arriving broken, in the hope that someone else has contains loves chicken soup, seems like a recipe for disaster. A bowl a day may keep loneliness at bay for a while, but without equality in a twosome, one person is always over compensating, while the other drinks more than their share.
Ever feel like you want to love and be loved, yet fear seems to win in the long run? The relationship starts out with so much promise, you are both floating cloud nine, feeling connected and complete. Then the unwanted guests arrive, like doubt and dissatisfaction. Still you love your mate, he makes you whole, and leaving means you will be alone again, living on the sidelines. Why risk changing anything?
Is that love or fear you feel? Most of us don’t know the difference. We look to others to heal us. If you want to be loved without fear you must learn to love yourself first. As you are. Improvements are always an option, but if you don't start by loving the package, you will have a hell of a time getting all of you on board for the ride.
Miley Cyrus shared with Barbara Walters that she was so scared of ever being alone adding "I don't ever want to have to need someone again, where you feel like, without them, you can't be yourself." This refrain is a familiar fear of many women, from teenagers to those over fifty. What a tragedy. Women are somehow under the impression that a a man makes you whole. Fed on a diet that a woman is nothing without her man, fostered by quaint expressions like "left on the shelf" and those popular romance movies that are all about the woman who got her man.
Miley Cyrus may not be your role model, but her familiar fear is kept alive by how we grow our girls — encouraging them to see their value in having a man in their life. To know sweet and powerful love, that you don’t hide behind, or fear to leave because being alone is terrifying, requires the thing we fear the most: to love yourself first.
Finding a man is easier when you are clear about who you are looking for, and that means you need to know who you are. If you are ready to expand your love, what qualities do you want in your partner? Non-negotiable first, frills after foundation. Make a list: Sense of humor? Willing to bare his heart? Romantic? Tender? Easy to talk to? Comforting? Drill down. Take a look at these qualities you desire, picture exactly what you mean when you write each word and get as specific as you can. Next answer the question WHY? next to every quality you desire. Why do you want someone who has a sense of humor? Because you love to laugh? Could it be that you feel too serious? Is there something in you that needs help with having more fun? Does it expand your heart?
Then write down what you love about yourself (be generous) and then the ones you find fault with. What does your dream man think about the parts of you you don’t like? Is he going tell you he loves all of you, even those moments when you have a meltdown and stomp your feet? Will he fix the problem for you? Tell you even though stomping hasn't worked up till now, he will give you whatever you desire? Do you imagine him holding you in his arms, rocking you like a child as you cry out the bitterness and tears of those fears of not being heard?
Who is this imaginary lover, who will make you a better person? Complete you? Laugh at your jokes and bring you breakfast in bed? Are you ready to be a child in someone else’s life or do you need to find compassion and love for you in your life? I believe when you fall in love with you, when you hold within you all the qualities you want your love to have, you will not fear living alone. And when that man shows up, and he will, if you open your heart, fearlessly, knowing you are lovable and human, you will be able to love in freedom and not in expectation.
If you worry about losing yourself in love, or want to be able to help yourself to living with more love within, click on this link to sign up for your free report ‘How to Say No without being pushy or a pushover’ at www.JenDuchene.com. Love needs borders to expand.
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