When Mr. Right feels like the biggest mistake of your life.
A new study says that 1 in 10 people feel "stuck" in a bad marriage or wish they'd tied the knot with someone else. Are you feeling stuck, fed up, and afraid what will happen if you make the wrong choice?
So many decisions—which is the right one for you? What will happen to the children? How did your Mr. Right go so wrong?
What helped me enormously is when a mentor shared that there are no wrong decisions, just decisions. Perhaps your marriage is salvageable. Are you willing to put aside all that has happened to sink you to this space of trapped misery and take responsibility for how you feel and what you bring into this home and hearth? Start over with joy? Or does it feel too little too late? Used to be experts espoused the need for children to be with their birth parents together, through thick and thin. Now even those experts admit that staying together for the children is not good for anyone. If your kids are hearing you yelling all the time, they are not feeling safe.
Maybe you are staying together because you can't afford to leave? How will you support yourself? I used to have all the same fears you have. I wanted my daughter to not have a "broken" home and I was terrified to even think about leaving my spouse. I had no idea how I would support myself or survive as a single parent. Truth was, while I was sitting on the comfy couch in despair, angry and hating on my ex, my daughter was suffering in her own hell. Listening to us constantly argue, and getting caught up in the anger that fuelled resentment in the air, was a terrible way to bring up a child. I thought she didn't know, but kids always know way more than we do, before we even know there is a problem.
It took courage and daring for me to admit that I could no longer stay in the marriage. We both knew it was over. We were limping along to closure. He reconnected with an old flame and I withdrew into work...'till that day when he was preparing to go home alone to celebrate a birthday with his family. I told him you can't have a relationship with this woman in front of your family while we are still together. He chose divorce. I was a wreck. What would I do? In total fear, I signed up blindly for help. I got a clearing from a spiritual healer that opened the space for me to cry deeply and acknowledge my fear. After I got over my fright, I made a list of what I needed to get started, and began looking for solutions and help from friends and family.
We have many soul loves—perhaps this one is done. Are you prepared to grow into your bigger self or is it just easier to lie about the comfy couch pissing and moaning in the wind?
The law of the universe, which exists in spite of a belief saying whatever we focus on comes to us. So if you are sitting there thinking how much you life is lousy, you are probably drawing more in of that, the universe is mirroring what you mirror. Ever notice that when you do meet someone who moved on—how much lighter they feel and look? You wonder what their secret is. It is setting an intention. See, you sit on your couch or maybe you are in your kitchen doing more stuff for everyone who does not appear to appreciate you, all the while unconsciously setting an intention: an intention to be miserable.
t reminds me of this poem some friends of mine use to say: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I am going home to eat worms. So yes, you can eat worms and dwell in despair because it doesn't feel like you are loved and appreciated. How much do you love you? That is the crux and the foundation of a successful marriage and a successful divorce. Whatever your decision. Make it and then make it happen.
Love yourself enough to commit to setting boundaries, and speak your truth. Say today I am not washing a dish or cooking dinner so someone else will have to take care of it. And then let them figure out who it will be. Make a game of it, Offer the help to move them to the next step and let them make it happen. It doesnt matter what they make. Don't complain, just find the joy and gratitude in eating a meal you did not have to prepare. Come to the table with grace. Bring your whole self to the seat.
Look at your husband and your children. Really see them as humans caught like you on the wheel of life. It goes around and around, so why not be conscious of what you want so you can ask for it, and share that thoughts. If I had it all my way, this is what I would want. Don't start criticizing or reducing before you have even mouthed the words and birthed the baby. Let the joy spill in the knowing that you can express the wanting. Words are free, but they carry an energy. Choose wisely and in love.
Perhaps your man and you are done with your life together. If you feel that in your bones, in your soul; then honor that. Find the acceptance in you with that, if that is your conclusion. There is no shame in moving on. Perhaps even a glimmer of relief and seeing some of the qualities in him and you that got trampled on.
Talk to him. Maybe the two of you are both thinking the same thing and there is a way to ease the separation. When my ex and I decided to divorce, I told him we needed to stay together 'till my daughter was done with high school. One year to go and we couldn't afford two households in the school district. The divorce got underway and finalized and we continued to live together for 6 months more. Both her and my ex thought it was weird. But I found it a wonderful space to spread my wings of freedom in a safe space. The ex and I lived like roommates, both doing what we wanted and being parents to our child with family meals. It was a healing balm to see my ex as a person again, and not the husband I no longer wanted to be with.
This might not be your solution, but if you focus on what you want in the end, the separation can go a lot smoother. My goal was to always have an invitation to my daughter's big moments in her life, and not miss out or be sidelined because her dad would be there. I did everything in that spirit; that my ex and I would remain "friendly". I was not a doormat, but I was flexible because I knew what mattered most.
Whatever you decide, set your intentions and pay attention when difficulties arise. Sometimes our egos create mountains where a molehill will do just fine. As long as you stay resentful, that is how long the misery will drag on, not just for you but for everyone in your life, including your children. If you need a shoulder to lean on, ask for it. If you need professional help, an experienced stranger to hold space for your sorrow, reach out.
If you would like a clearing or someone to help you through this excruciating time, I would be honored to be your guide, and share some healing time. Separation hurts, change is a challenge, and it's okay to ask for assistance.
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