How Visualizing Your 'Dream Guy' Can Sabotage Your Chances At Love

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Love, Self

Are you attracting all the wrong people?

For the most part, relationship pain is derived from the idea that things have to work out according to plan — your plan. We often enter into relationships with a dream, a plan, or a specific strategy. 

For instance, I know a young lady who has a three-year plan. “My boyfriend and I have been together three years, so now it's time to get engaged. Next, we will save for a house and purchase it in two years, and then we will get married.”

I don’t know if she checked this plan with her boyfriend. After all, not everyone has the same plan.


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We were programmed early in life with the story of Cinderella finding her prince and Snow White being “saved” (awakened) by the love of her Prince Charming, who, by the way, were total strangers. Hmm, is that realistic?!

These stories become the dreams of the young and override rational thought of getting to know your “soulmate.”

Or, as Dr. Phil McGraw suggests, “Don’t marry anyone until you’ve seen him with the flu.” Translation: make sure you find out what he/she is like at his/her worst before consenting to a long-term commitment. We’re not living in "Never Never Land." This is a world of trials and challenges, successes and failures. Are you up for it?

Love is expansive, warm, kind, nurturing, giving, receiving, and helpful. Love prioritizes the interest and well being of the other person. That does not mean sacrifice, it means caring. Otherwise, there is only one person in the relationship — the one that gets all the attention. The real question is: Will he/she bring you soup when you have the flu?

Pain comes into relationships when you decide ahead what your partner is going to be like. Before you've even met him!

He is to be tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, personable and fun, etc. Some people even go so far as to decide the political party and religion of their future partner.

It is a bit like putting a straight jacket on the universe.

It's like thinking, "I am filling out an order form and my guy/gal has to meet all these criteria. So that means when I meet someone, he literally has to complete an application form to date me."

What? Prince Charming didn’t have to do that! Snow White trusted the universe, and her guy showed up.


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But this is, unfortunately, a recipe for victimhood. Victims are in pain all the time. They are always wronged. They do not take responsibility for jumping too soon, or assuming too much, or fabricating a person that doesn’t exist.

A client of mine decided that she wanted a relationship with a particular movie star. When she mentioned him to me, I took note.

“Cecelia,” I said. You know that 'handsome movie star guy' is married, lives in Hawaii, and has a child, don’t you?”

She responded with, “I don’t care, he's the one I want.”

“Do you know that he gets a vote in this deal? He may not want to leave his wife, home, and child to be with you.”

Her response, “I don’t care, he's the one I want.”

Well, okay then. She proceeded to visualize being with handsome movie star guy.

This brings me to the principle of attraction, which is a spiritual principle whereby universal energy works to manifest the conditions you seek.

In other words, whatever you hand to the universe in the form of an idea, intention, or visualization, is immediately acted upon. The universe proceeds (without judgment) to coordinate the right conditions to match the circumstances you require.

That is to say, you get a match. It is a form of magnetic attraction. What you love, you attract to you.

Also, what you despise, you also draw to you. Thus the indication is that whatever you focus on with emotional magnetism you bring into your life.

Back to Cecelia… a couple of months later, I see Cecelia out and about with a new beau. She introduces him to me and he is handsome movie star guy's look-a-like. He also has a wife and child, but nevertheless, has chosen to hang out with Cecelia. In fact, he looks so much like handsome movie star guy that he models him in look-a-like shows. They hung out together for a number of months. Of course, it was short-term because he wasn't going to leave his family to be with Cecelia. He did get a vote.

So there you go. A disillusioned woman set out to put herself in a position to experience an unavailable man because that's what she asked for. By the way, I didn't make up this story, and I’m sure she's not the only one to have fixated in this way. There are people who will put up with all kinds of weird behavior because their friend is cute.

Thus the question: Have you made up an unrealistic story of a person that doesn't exist with the idea that he/she will make all your troubles go away?

Do you want someone to fill in all the holes in your soul so that you don’t have to do it yourself?

Another story: A different client we'll name "Inez" informed me that while she hated men, she wanted a boyfriend. I asked her if she was willing to give up her man-hate to which she replied in the negative.

“So, let me get this straight. You hate men, and you want a boyfriend. So what you're asking for is a man who hates himself, since that's the only kind of man who would be attracted to a man-hating woman, right?”

Inez replied in the affirmative and she set out to find this boyfriend. A couple of months later she showed up again and informed me that she had two boyfriends.

I asked her if they have self-esteem issues, to which she replied, “Yes.”

In my profession, it isn’t hard to see where things like this end up. She will be angry at them because they didn’t do something right and because she has an issue with all men, and they will hang their heads and be happy that someone is paying attention to them.

So there you go!! Did you relate to any of these characters?

If you were to get out of the way and allow the universe to take charge and flow loving circumstances into your life, you will always be in a situation to learn valuable lessons and grow.

Love is our true nature and by being willing to express love and be loved, your chances of participating in a genuine partnership escalates.

It works far better than mentally designing a man (or woman) form with superficial attributes. Plus, when you love without attachment or conditions, your possibilities for harmonious interaction increase exponentially. The choice is always yours.

Here are some tips to experiencing joy in relationships:

  • Do your work. Don’t blame others for your upset. Figure out what illusions you have fed yourself and correct them. It is easy to project your pain to others, but it never makes it better.
  • Let go of judgments and criticism. Notice how people are and accept them as they are. Observe behaviors and intentions and decide if there is value in relating to each person. If not, move on. The world is filled with people.
  • Be willing to let go. If it is not working, step back, take a break, re-evaluate. Try something different or move on. You are not in the world to be abused.
  • Enjoy everything. Hold on to nothing.

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Jean Walters is a St. Louis based transformational coach and author of Set Yourself Free: Live the Life You Were Meant to Live! And also, Be Outrageous: Do the Impossible – Others Have and You Can Too. She can be reached at her website, SpiritualTransformation.com.

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