Are You Good Needy or Bad Needy?


Are You Good Needy or Bad Needy?
How to know whether you're sucking the life out of your relationship -- or making it stronger.

3. Most of the time you feel strong and centered enough to express your needs calmly when you're unhappy about something your partner says or does. You ask for what you want using what couples researchers John and Julie Gottman call the “softened start-up,” expressing appreciation for your partner and sharing your feelings before you make your request. “I really love getting texts from you during the day and I know you’re tired after work, but when you just watch TV until we fall asleep I miss you. I’d like us to set aside some couple time.”

4. You tell your partner what you’d like from him, but you don’t tell him exactly what to do. You trust him to respond to you in his own way. “When you go out with your friends after work without letting me know, I end up waiting around instead of making my own plans. I’d like you to give me a heads-up.” It’s his job to suggest a solution.


5. You see expressing your needs as a win-win. When you’re longing for more affection, or better communication, expressing your needs appropriately is good for you -- and good for both of you. The things that are important to each partner aren’t always easy to fit together, but they are essential puzzle pieces in the jigsaw that is your overall relationship.

Worried you’re stuck in the Bad Needy place? Start by acting as if you were Good Needy. Soon enough you will be.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Jean Fitzpatrick

Marriage/Couples Counselor

Jean Fitzpatrick is a New York psychotherapist and marriage counselor.  Jean's practice includes individual and couples, and she specializes in affair recoverypre-marriageprebaby and postpartum counseling. Jean is a member of the elite Marriage Friendly Therapists network and the American Association of Pastoral Counselors.  Jean has been interviewed in The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Chicago Tribune, Women's Health, on CNN and in USA Today, the NY Daily News, and other media outlets where the subject is marriage and family life. Jean's articles on family life and emotional and spiritual growth have appeared in many national magazines over the past twenty-five years, including Parents,Working Mother, The New York Times Magazine, and Family Circle, and she has written 6 books on family life.  

Visit Jean's website:

Follow Jean on twitter:  @therapistnyc35

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LP, MA, Other
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Infidelity / Affair Recovery, Marriage
Other Articles/News by Jean Fitzpatrick:

From Soulmates to Separating...What Happened?!


You found The One -- your soulmate, the partner who completed you, understood you, made you want to be a better person.  Being around each other was so easy.  So how did you get from being soulmates to feeling like you bring out the worst in each other -- in fact, you can hardly stand to be in the same room? If you’ve gone to see an ... Read more

3 Ways To Put The Spark Back In Your Marriage


You know the punch-lines to all his jokes. You're that couple who sit in a restaurant with nothing to say. At bedtime you never thought you'd be pretending to have a headache. "I can't make myself feel any different," one woman in my office told me tearfully. "The magic's gone." "Sooner or later most partners hit an ... Read more

How Your Baby Bonds With You

By ,

Bonding with your baby might sound like getting Krazy Glued together, but it’s actually more like a dance. You learn to read and respond to your infant’s nonverbal cues -- her body language, cries and giggles -- and she comes to trust that you are reliable and that she can find ways to connect, communicate her needs, and find comfort. Mutual ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular