Are you sick of attracting the wrong person? Do you pick unemotionally available people? Read this!
"Why does this keep happening to me?" "Why can't I figure this out?" "What's wrong with me?"
Ever think this before when comes to your romantic relationships? I did too. Ugh ... it's so frustrating!
I used to think that if I could just change myself enough to make the other person happy—then everything would be fantastic. I'd get the love, appreciation, fulfillment, attention and connection I always wanted.
But, over and over again I found emotionally unavailable people and it didn't work. It left me feeling trapped, lost, hurt and unfulfilled ... and like deja vu all over again. One more disappointment!! How did you feel?
Over the last 4 years, I've learned a lot and spoke with people that have developed deep, meaningful romantic relationships from all over the world.
And, I've coached countless couples, women and men from all walks of life how to have a deep, rich, emotional, romantic connection with their partner.
[But quickly ... Feminine and Masculine are two life forces. They both need each other to exist. Neither is inferior or superior to the other. Both are needed to keep the fabric of society—and life in general—intact. Feminine energy is about being, acceptance and receiving while masculine energy is about doing, go getting, goal seeking and giving. It’s passive, agreeable and accommodating while masculine energy is active and being in control (and can appear sometimes controlling).]
Back to the topic ... So I find either a man or woman (with higher feminine energy levels) choose and get involved with a wrong partner BECAUSE:
1. They don't trust themselves, and aren't clear or certain on what they really want in life
2. They pick emotionally unavailable partners because they know that those partners are not going to force them to ask themselves hard questions (or challenge their beliefs), grow or BE VULNERABLE (and simultaneously live in authenticity).
The key to answering "why am I attracting the wrong partner?" is to ask yourself, "Am I willing and really ready (and open) to be vulnerable and authentic?"
If that answer is YES ... here is the next question to ask ...
If you are ready to be VULNERABLE, do you have the courage to TRUST yourself?
Because ... many times what happens is that the chemistry and process of love tends to get in the way of what we know in our hearts and intuition.
It's easy to get confused about all this. People tend to think that following your heart is some co-dependent thing that happens that will you leave crushed. We have all had experiences where we have put ourselves out there, only for someone to trample all over us.
One thing I do as a coach is to help people how to listen and talk to their "heart" and intuition, and ultimately themselves. And it starts with loving yourself first, and choosing you first.
People know they deserve more than what they often settle for. There is someone out there for you (if you haven't found them) and honestly, it’s time for you to grow.
If you are ready, tell yourself this: "I’m sick of picking people who don’t force me to grow. I’m sick of picking people where I have surface level relationships or there’s just sex involved. I want to go and have a deeper, more meaningful relationship where there is not just connection, but love and true compatibility."
So the question isn’t really coming down to: "why are there so many emotionally unavailable people?"
The ACTUAL question is, "Why am I SCARED (or Frightened) to be vulnerable and authentically me?"
This usually stems from childhood where we weren’t trained that our emotions are safe to believe in and share (and this is especially true if you’re a woman).
Many of my clients have fathers that never praised their feminine qualities and were never told by them, "It’s okay for you to be emotional and share your feelings." Instead, they were pushed by their fathers to get good grades, achieve success and prepare yourself to lead in your life. They were told to leave their emotions behind and move forward with their masculine qualities/traits.
Part of this is very true. There’s a very important time and place for that masculine drive for work and building businesses. BUT this doesn’t set people up for emotionally rich and rewarding personal, intimate relationships. And that is what we’re talking about right now.
The key here is that your emotions are real (both feminine and masculine). They’re valid and they deserved to be cherished. When you start to fully embrace your emotions—know that you’re not crazy for feeling and expressing them and there’s nothing wrong with you for being an emotional person—all of a sudden you get much more clarity on the proper partner for you.
When you look back on the people that you picked, you realize that ... he or she may have been physically attractive (and great chemistry), and they had a lot of great qualities, but a part of me inside myself (my heart, intuition, etc.) knew that I wasn’t going to go really deep with this person and be fully vulnerable and authentically me.
How do we change all of this?
First of all we want to state what we really want. To move forward you need to be certain, clear and focused on what you want otherwise you will get derailed and won't follow through.
Your NEW Action Plan
So if you’re really ready to be vulnerable and authentic, just say it out loud right now. Repeat after me: "I want to be in a relationship with a person who’s not a project, who's real and open, and where I can be vulnerable and myself."
Here are your 3 requirements. And they force you to lead with compatibility over chemistry.
1. Trusting yourself. What I’ve found, especially with women, is the female intuition is so honed in that you can tell within less than a minute whether you can trust someone or not. And men who allow themselves to be vulnerable can be just as dead on.
You must have a partner who makes your feminine side emotionally safe. You have to be able to fully trust that person.
Chemistry, sex, passion, etc are MUCH LESS important than taking care of your own emotions. That's priority one. Think of it like oxygen, without it you are dead.
2. Start doing the opposite. If you’ve been dating people who are emotionally unavailable and the outcomes haven't been good, then start doing something different. Do the exact opposite of what you are doing now.
Chances are if you’re single and looking, there are most likely people around you right now who are very interested in you, but you haven't noticed them. You haven't been fully open to the possibilities because you have looked for a particular set of people. Let that go now.
So I encourage you if the first thing you always do is go for the tall, dark/blonde, handsome/sexy, unavailable or noncommunicative person...is do the opposite.
What would the opposite be? You have to lead with compatibility. Studies show chemistry dies within 2-3 years in a relationship and you are left with very little if you didn't choose a compatible partner. Long term romance, long term chemistry and long term passion is founding in a person who you trust, supports you and makes you feel safe along with someone who is also your best friend and you have considerable commonalities/interests.
It will be much more rewarding and exciting, and passionate, when you choose someone that you can trust and open up to.
One of my clients who has REALLY struggled in relationships recently told me this:
"I've dated more attractive men, but my partner is the most sexy and beautiful person (inside and out) for me. I'm lucky I found him. It's changed everything about how I view relationships now that I am in the right place."
3. Start going to new places. We tend to find people in the same places or same ways or leave it to chance. Be intentional. How? If you like to run, join a running a club. It's always better to find people who have similar interests. I also am a huge fan of charity organizations because you can find people who are more prone to be contributors. That's a great basis/foundation to get to know someone. I talk much more about this in my book, Social Wealth on Amazon.
Start to take new actions! Re-read this post again, and take a hard look at what's been going on and make new choices today.
Insanity is doing the same thing ... over and over again that's not working. Stop the insanity now!! Make this Valentine's Day be memorable because you took new actions.
- Are you struggling to find the relationship you really want? Why? What's happened?
- Have you tried what I have suggested and did it work out? What do you think of compatibility over chemistry?
SHARE in the comments below! People have similar situations to you and sharing helps you clarify what's going on with you, and helps other people ... and you may get some advice/help that will make a difference!
(Don't miss my free mini-ebook on "Finding the One" It's a guide on trying new things to find the right person for you. I've interviewed thousands of people to put together a resource that can help you. Get it here.)
PS: If you want additional guidance and mentoring, I have coaching programs that can help you with your relationships, business and life. You can get free 30 minute to get advice and we can see if it is a good fit.
Jason Treu is one the top life mastery coach (and reformed lawyer) helping men and women create the business, relationships and life they love. His new #1 bestselling book, Social Wealth, is a how-to-guide on how to build extraordinary personal and professional relationships. You can also download his free guide, "Three Steps to Push Past Procrastination & Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever."