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Women complain men only want sex. Men complain women are needy for love.
By Janet Hall, PhD — Written on Oct 16, 2017
Amanda was irate.
"Why won’t he say 'I love you'? That’s all I want to hear but the more I ask, the more he refuses."
An attractive woman with a strong personality, she was used to getting her own way in the corporate world, but she was not getting anywhere with Bill. Together for two years after disastrous first marriages for both, they were fearful this new partnership was also going down the tube.
And Bill’s view? "I told her that I loved her when we first moved in together and nothing has changed." Short and sweet was good enough for Bill.
But not good enough for the lady, though. In fact, most women identify with Amanda. So what’s this male/female conflict all about?
Simply stated, men need sex to feel loved and women need love to have sex.
This means that Bill needs to think about Amanda’s needs and do his best to meet them if he wants to enjoy sex with her every day.
Sure, men focus typically on only one thing at a time and when he’s at work he is concentrating on achieving his goals. So how is he going to remember to call Amanda if he gets caught up at work?
She needs him to call if he’s going to be late. It’s a courtesy that shows he cares and allows her to use her time in a most useful way. So Bill needs to cue himself in to make sure he remembers. Maybe he could set the alarm on his watch to go off at a certain time each day and call her then.
Come to think of it, that’s a good idea even if he’s not running late. A caring call to say, "I love you" never goes astray when you want to earn points with your woman.
And remember to call! A guy has to be sure to get home and immediately look for his woman and give her a big hug, a lingering kiss, and tell her that you love her and that she looks beautiful (even if she’s wearing a tracksuit).
The man has to resist the urge to move his hands from the hug to the boobs and crutch zones. This is not the time!
I can’t tell you how many women have told me how much they dread giving their man a hug because "he always thinks that’s a signal to have one there and then on the kitchen table."
Your lady simply wants a hug. Give her a hug and it will pay off in the bedroom.
Now to the woman. I’ve been told too many times how much pain men experience when the woman constantly rejects his overtures. As one man cried, "Dr. Jan, what can I do? I don’t want to have to beg her for sex."
In a good relationship, neither man or woman should never feel that sex can be used as a bargaining chip.
Sex is not something you give just to get it over and done with. Sex is 25 percent of your relationship. The rest is made up of love and heart, mind and spiritual connections. If you are not having good sex, you are ripping off your partner, your relationship and yourself!
So there it is...men do need sex and women need to feel love and vice versa. Women need sex and men need to feel love and we can have both our needs met. It’s just a matter of timing.
First, the man needs to show affection and caring, then the woman needs to make sure she lights his fire and everyone wins.
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Watch Expert Esther Perel discuss how men show their love, even if they don't say it directly.