There’s a very common scenario that seems to happen to all of us at one time or another, and sometimes over and over again. We end up in a relationship with a guy that has tons of potential, IF he would just commit! And the dilemma is always – how long to wait it out to see if he truly IS going to come around? Or are we just wasting our time? Or, what if you’ve finally had enough, and decide to move on right before he was about to come around? This is one of the most commonly asked questions because we are such a hopeful group. The bottom line is that what we’re really asking is how do we know if he’ll ever commit?
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When I was doing some soul searching on this subject, I realized that this was my own number one reason for being single as long as I was. I wasted so much time and energy – especially time – waiting. Waiting for a guy to come around. And then another one. And another. And so on. It seems so obvious to me now, but while I was in the thick of it, with each new relationship that showed so much potential if he would only commit, my greatest fear was always that he would have come around if I had only hung on a little longer. And that fear ensured that I repeated the same pattern over and over again, never getting that if I had just walked away earlier, I would have saved myself so much pain and heartbreak. And, as I’m realizing from hearing from so many women today just like I was then, things have not changed much. We’re still waiting, holding out hope he’ll come around. Still bound by the fear that he’s about to come around any time now, and if we leave we’ll miss out on our one and only chance at true love.
Because here’s the thing; by waiting around, by staying even though we’re not getting what we really want from him, he’s learning what he can get away with, the bare minimum he has to do to keep us around. After all, he is attracted to us. He does like having us around, at least when he wants to remember what it’s like to have a girlfriend and to collect on the benefits of having one. But the rest of the time, he wants to continue to be able to live his life in his comfort zone. Read: he’s just not ready for a real relationship right now. To put it another way, what he’s really saying is he’s just not ready to commit to what it means to be in a real relationship with you right now. He’s not ready for the give and take thing, the equal thing, the sharing your life with another person thing. The him being with you and you being with him thing. The open communication thing. He’s not ready, but he’s not quite ready to give it up either. He’s thinking that someday he’s going to be ready for a real relationship and he wants you to be there, too. Just not right now. He wants to have it both ways – enjoy having you as his girlfriend, but also hanging onto his single life, and still being able to keep his options open.
The irony is that he actually knows you’re all that – he knows what a great catch you are, maybe even more than you know what a great catch you are. And he also knows what you want from him, but the reality is he also knows he can’t give it to you right now. But someday he thinks he might be able to. Someday, when he’s ready to make some changes, ready to give up his current extra-curricular single man activities and settle down, then he’ll be ready for what you want. Complete with the white picket fence, a loving wife and beautiful children. He’d like that too, really, someday. Just not right now. Did you get that distinction? That’s an important point I want to make here. He’s not a bad guy, he’s got some great qualities and yes, I can totally see why you’re head over heels for him and why you really, really, really want him to be the one. But he’s not the one right now. And that’s the thing. We really don’t know when he will be, if ever. And you’re ready now. Which means he’s not the one for you.
I know; you’d like to think it will happen soon but there’s just no way of knowing. It may not be for a really, really, really long time. And it might not happen at all. And that’s what you have to realistically come to terms with. Are you willing to waste any more of your life waiting for him to come around?
So how can you avoid wasting a big chunk of your life on a guy that’s never going to commit? These took me a long time to learn, but hopefully I can save you a lot of time – and heartbreak. Here are seven things that you can do right now to move down the path to commitment:
1. Listen to what he says – and believe him!
Chances are he’s already told you one way or another that’s he’s not interested in a long term commitment, at least not right now. This is where you have to take him at his word. We all too often want to believe that he’ll change, that after being with you for a while he’ll come around and be ready to commit. Or, even worse, we play along and tell him it’s fine, we’re not looking for a major commitment either – how crazy is that? Ladies, we need to be up front about it – let him know that you’re in this for the long term, and you’re looking for a guy who wants the same thing. And know that if a guy is telling you he’s not ready for a commitment it’s very unlikely that he’ll change his tune, particularly if he’s telling you this after you’ve let him know that you want a commitment. If this is the case, your best move is to let him go and find yourself a guy that’s looking for the same thing you are.
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