You knew it would be hard getting over him, but you never realized just how hard this was going to be. Whether he ended it, or you, the reality is you didn't want it to end. All you ever wanted was it to work out, but in the end, you realized it would take more than just you making that happen. So here you are, trying to accept the reality of what is and move on, but that deep sadness and longing for what could have been lingers on, leaving you wondering if you'll ever get over him.
Getting over a recent (or worse, a not so recent) break up can be one of the most difficult things in life to do, and for good reason. It makes sense – your life was intertwined with this person and you opened and shared your delicate heart with him, making yourself vulnerable to your worst fear – having that heart crushed and broken into a million little pieces. And facing the reality of starting over, alone. While it may feel like the only thing that you can bring yourself to do is continue to hold out hope that someday you'll wake up and find out that it was really just a bad dream, the reality is that the sooner you can bring yourself to move on, the better.
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Why? Because if you're still holding out hope that you're going to get back together with your ex, then you will be subconsciously comparing every guy you meet with your ex. While this might not sound like a big deal – I mean, you have to have some rating system for the guys you meet and date, so why not have a "gold standard" to compare to? - the problem is that this gold standard is actually setting the bar impossibly high.
What's really happening.
When you spend your time and energy reminiscing about your past relationship, you're really not remembering your ex himself, but the wonderful feelings that you had when you were with him. And you're also "remembering" the things that you had planned to do with him, and you're experiencing a sense of loss of those future events, because now they will not happen the way you imagined. The problem is that these feelings are filtered through your memory, and your mind tends to idealize those memories. And that future? Well, of course it's impossibly perfect because that's what we do best; we envision a future that's perfect, based solely on that idealism and what we know could be possible instead of the reality that was the more likely scenario.
The earlier in the relationship it was, the more optimistic you felt about the relationship and the more you put it up on a pedestal, idealized it and elevated it to almost mythical status. In your mind it was so perfect, so wonderful; he did all the right things, said all the right things, and was exactly what you always wanted, your Mr. Right, your dream guy.
It's just a dream.
But the truth is that he wasn't your dream guy, or it wouldn't have ended. Because your real dream guy would feel the same way about you as you feel about him, and if that was the case you wouldn't have broken up. Remember that if he really was Mr. Right, he would not have crushed your heart the way he did. I'm not saying that he's a bad guy for doing it; he probably didn't intend to hurt you, it’s just that the relationship wasn't right, at least for him, and that means that he really wasn't your Mr. Right. Real love with someone who truly is Mr. Right is always reciprocal – with both of you on the same page - and you wouldn't want it any other way. You want to be Mrs. Right as much as he's your Mr. Right.
This article was originally published at Getting to True Love
. Reprinted with permission from the author.