Your step-by-step guide on what to expect and how to move past it.
By J. Cameron Gantt — Written on Feb 02, 2015
We have all been there. You’re in a relationship and find out that the one you love and trusted with all of your heart has betrayed you by “giving it up” to someone else. There’s no predictability involved in the scenario. You might think that things are at their best. Sometimes you might even acknowledge that things aren’t all that great but it’s something you want to work on. You are not exactly sure why he cheated, all you know is that you are mad as hell and caught up with the pain of a broken heart. How can you get past this?
Well, it would be simple to say that this is going to be easy, but we all know it’s not. Depending on the longevity of the relationship and the level of attachment, you are going to have to really do some soul searching in order to figure out your next steps.
The first thing you must remember is to not blame yourself. If someone cheats on you it is NOT your fault. Most times I find that the cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you or the dynamics of the relationship that has been betrayed. It has everything to do with the cheating partner’s low self-esteem, not knowing what they are looking for in a relationship, lack of maturity or even emotional or mental distress left over from past relationships.
You are going to experience a flood of confusing emotions during this time. Be assured that this is absolutely normal for you to feel because what has happened to you can be a very traumatic experience. You will undergo several stages of grief because the reality of the situation is that you are mourning the loss of the trust you had for your cheating partner and/or the relationship that you shared with him.
As for how long it will last, timing can vary depending on your personality. Some people are able to bounce back very quickly. For others, it can take months or even years before things start feeling normal again. Listed below are 7 stages you might experience when trying to cope with the infidelity.
1. Shock
So the initial discovery of your partner’s infidelity has been revealed. Depending on your personality, you may react in several different ways. You may be at a loss for words and may shut down completely. You may do the exact opposite and fly off the deep end, leaving a path of destruction in your wake. As hard is it may be for you, I recommend that you get away ASAP. Go somewhere where you can be alone. Now is not the time to have a conversation or try to find an explanation. People react to things very differently and although you think that you can keep your composure, you don’t want to put yourself in a position for things to escalate.
2. Denial
You still can’t fully wrap your head around what has happened. You may even refuse to believe that your mate has cheated on you. Though it is a normal part of the process, you should do your best to avoid getting stuck in this stage. Eventually, you will need to acknowledge what has happened because if you don’t, you are just prolonging the healing process. Again, I recommend that you stay away from him because right now, you have to focus on your needs in order to move forward.
3. Obsession
Now you are finding it hard to stay focused on anything other than his infidelity. Every minute, every hour of every day, you can’t get his cheating ass out of your head. You start to wonder why this is happening to you and what could you have done differently to prevent it. The truth is that there was probably little you could have done. Once a cheater has rationalized it in their head that what they are about to do is ok, there really no stopping them. You could have done everything right and still ended up on the butt end of the stick.
Again, this goes back to the mindset of the person who has cheated. There something deeper within them that they have not dealt with and the cheating is a result of that issue. Unless he has taken actions to fix whatever it is that has driven him to betray you… he is not going to change and that has nothing to do with you as a person. You may have made mistakes but at this point, your only crime is falling in love with someone and not getting that same love in return and that is NOT your fault.
4. Anger
You are mad as hell and you have every right to be! You may not have let it show, but it is definitely there and it’s waiting to come out. Reality has set in and everything that you have bottled up inside is about to manifest. This is a natural and healthy reaction to everything you have gone through and you have every right to release it upon the cheater in question. Yell, scream, and curse, whatever… just get it out! Do be careful of your method of expression. If at any time, you feel that things are going to become physical, please remove yourself from the situation. The last thing that you need is someone getting physically hurt or running into any type of legal issues.
5. Bargaining
So now the dust has settled and you have had some time to think. You might be telling yourself that things aren’t as bad as they seem. Maybe this can be fixed and you guys can work through it. You start thinking of ways you can compromise and make things better. If that is the path you choose, I say go for it! I do want you to be careful though. Don’t start excusing behaviors that you find unacceptable for the sake of maintaining your relationship. This type of thinking can really make things harder for you in the future.
The truth is, bargaining is a result of fear. You are scared that you are going to lose your relationship and the fear of being alone is clouding your judgment. Force yourself to be realistic and take time to really think about things as they were. Do not feel like you have to settle for the sake of keeping an unhealthy relationship. Guaranteed you will hate yourself in the future if things do not go the way you want them to.
6. Depression
Things have become dark for you. Everyday seems like a chore and it becomes harder and harder for you to deal. You might even lash out by engaging in unhealthy behavior such as alcohol, drugs or even hyper-sexuality. These things will not be helpful to you in the long-run because they are being used as a distraction from the pain and the hurt that has taken over your life.
I consider this the wild card of these stages because it can take place simultaneously with all of the other stages. You have to be very careful not to let this get the best of you. If the depression is becoming something that keeps getting harder for you to handle, I would strongly suggest seeing a therapist to help sort through your emotions. Sometimes, it just helps to have someone objective to listen to what you are experiencing and help you work through it. If you can’t afford a therapist, talk to someone you trust or even start keeping a journal. You have to find some sort of a healthy outlet to help release yourself.
7. Acceptance
So you are at the point now where you can acknowledge everything that you have gone through and start taking action to move forward. This doesn’t mean that you let the cheater off the hook. Acceptance doesn’t exactly mean forgiveness. If anything, this is where you start taking control of your life and moving on.
If you decide to stay with your partner, I strongly suggest enlisting the help of a couple’s counselor to start working on putting the pieces together. This is going to be a 50/50 effort so you and your partner are going to have to really put in work if you want things to work out. Eventually, you will have to forgive him but he will need to take the burden of proof as to whether or not he can be trusted again.
Now if you decide to move on alone, be comfortable in the fact that you have gotten over your hurt and anger and you are able to do so. Dig deep and figure out what it is that you want out of life. Start focusing on you and your needs and leave all of the extra BS behind you. Take as much time as you need in order to get back into the swing of things. You will know when you are ready to start dating again.
At the end of the day, have fun and enjoy your regained single status. It’s your time and you deserve it.
