Today was the first day I actually am wondering if I can do this. Today the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.
I went to Zumba tonight. It's been a while since I've taken a class - maybe a month or so. I'd done Jillian Michael's Body Revolution last week, so I felt like I could handle it. I couldn't. It wasn't the pace or that the exercises were particularly difficult. In fact I felt like the instructor actually toned it down a bit tonight. And yet I have never felt more awkward and out of shape in my life.
it was like in my mind I could see myself and feel myself doing these moves, having fun and enjoying it. And that's not what was happening. I was tripping, off beat, and just plain awkward. Don't get me wrong, I know sometime exercise can be awkward. You've got to learn the moves, the timing and your muscles will retain the memory over time. But tonight - tonight was something out of a romantic comedy. I was so awkward, that no matter how hard I tried I just felt worse. My core was weak, my thighs were weak, my gluts were weak. It felt like my strength was leaving my body. The more I tried to tighten my form, the more awkward I felt.
And the worst thing of all, my stomach. It was like an entirely different body part that wasn't connected to me. Like a back pack I kept having to move around because it was in the way. Not only that, I was in pain. Not muscular pain, but pain from the inside out, feeling nauseated, or bloated and crampy. I can't even describe the feeling other than full and sick.
Today was the first day I actually thought there might be something wrong; I mean really wrong with me that can't be remedied by extreme self care. Today, I wondered if I shouldn't get more professional help or stick to my plan, my 30 day trial. Today, I felt scared. Today I felt sad. Today, I felt defeated.
I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.