Photo: by Derick Santos from Pexels
Is your relationship really worth saving?
By C. Mellie Smith — Written on Dec 16, 2019
So you caught your partner having an affair, and you're heartbroken. But despite the looming threat of a breakup from their infidelity, you believe that your marriage is still worth saving and are considering getting back together.
But before you decide to divorce or reconcile with your cheating spouse, there are some things you need to figure out about surviving infidelity first.
Do you really want to know how to fix this broken relationship, or are you staying in an unhealthy marriage for the wrong reasons?
The first thing that usually happens after an affair is the interrogation phase. You start to wonder about all the things that have led up to this moment in your life.
- How could this have happened?
- What did I do wrong?
- Why did they do this?
- Why didn’t I see the signs sooner?
Then, once you've had a chance to wrap your mind around the answers, anger sets in. You begin to boil at the very thought of what has transpired. It's in this phase that some of your more devious plans form. For some, it's revenge. For others, it's writing off their spouse.
There is a small percentage of people who jump this phase and try to make it work with their cheating partner. But before you go all wine and dine, chocolates and kisses, perhaps you should take a step back and give yourself a reality check.
Maybe just maybe the person you are trying to get back with isn’t worth your time or effort.
Here are 4 reasons you may attempt to reconcile with your cheating spouse that will actually hurt you in the end:
1. You overlook your spouse's selfishness
When you are trying to get back with a partner who has cheated on you, you have to ask yourself if they are 100 percent committed. Relationships require both parties involved to participate. You can’t be the only one going out of your way to make the other person happy.
So if you end up seeing them taking advantage of you and requesting tokens of love, then maybe you don’t belong with them in the first place.
Another thing to look out for is if they place all the blame on you. They may manipulate the situation and say that it was something you did or didn’t give them that caused them to cheat.
If all they do is blame you and tell you how you were in the wrong and they can’t see their faults, then maybe it is time for you to move on.
You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
2. You are scared to be alone
Perhaps the only reason why you would ever consider getting back with your ex-partner who cheated was that you can’t face being alone. Loneliness is not an excuse to reconcile with your partner.
Being alone is the perfect time to figure out what you want and who you want to be.
During this time, think of all the wonderful things that you were denied. Maybe go to that fancy restaurant you always wanted. Or see that movie they didn’t want to go see.
Now is the time to reinvent yourself and find yourself again. Just because you're lonely and don’t have someone to go home to is no reason to get back with someone who's going to treat you poorly. You have to take this time to understand your self-worth and realize you don’t need to settle for second best.
3. You're putting up with it for the kids
For some couples, children are involved and they stick around in a toxic relationship because of the kids. The children should not be the reason for you to get back with your cheating partner. The only thing that will accomplish is showing your kids to be a pushover.
You can raise them without having their mother or father in the picture full time.
In fact, when a partner cheats with kids in the house, it oftentimes leaves the child confused and lost. The last thing you want to do is hurt them more by fighting with your partner in front of them. So if you have kids, it's OK to separate to keep your sanity.
4. You feel like you have nowhere else to go
Some people will reconcile with their spouse after they cheated because they think they have nowhere else to go. For many people, they feel trapped in the situation and can’t escape.
The truth is though, you can escape. There are always alternative routes to take besides resigning yourself to a roommate agreement that puts you in the front row of watching your ex sleep with other people.
There are halfway houses, friend’s houses, parent’s houses, your car, or even camping that would be far better for you mentally than sticking around for the mental abuse that comes with staying and watching your ex-partner bring other people home.
Never feel like you are trapped just because the funds aren’t there to get your own place. Everything is temporary and you will find a way to pick yourself back up again. Just don’t stick around at the expense of your self-dignity.
Sure, finding out that your partner cheated will put you in a pickle. Sometimes it might be a financial burden, other times it might be a mental one. No matter which way you spin it though, don’t get back with someone “just because.”
You need a real reason to fight for them because when you are battling things out and trying to find common ground, if they aren’t worth it now, they won’t be worth it later on.
Remember: You can’t "fix" people. They have to want to change.
More for You:
C. Mellie Smith is an author and founder of Infidelity Healing, where she shares tools and resources to help you replace the pain of infidelity with relief and hope.