Motherhood & Love: How To Keep Your Main Relationships Fulfilling
How to stay romantically connected with your husband, and be a good example for your children.
From Elisabeth LaMotte (@elisjoy):
When two people love each other, nothing is better than raising a family together. That said, parents often put their parenting and career responsibilities at the top of their priority list, and allow their marriage to fall to the bottom. Most parents are on an endless treadmill of chores, meals and responsibilities, and forget to invest in nurturing each other.
When it comes to marriage, don't just survive, thrive! Try these tips to keep things fresh:
1. Use "I" statements. When couples become overwhelmed by parenting duties, kind communication can be the first thing to go. Using "I" statements is a concrete way to drastically improve your relationship. Don't say: "You're so cold, you never hug me!" Instead, say: "I could really use a hug!" Speaking about yourself rather than criticizing your spouse will dramatically improve communication and enhance intimacy. Time To Stop Panicking: Most Married People Are Deeply In Love
2. Write love letters. Agree with your spouse to write each other a detailed letter expressing your happiest memories from when you met and fell in love. Think about the note before you write it, and make sure it includes feelings and detailed memories of specific things you did for one another that made you feel loved and appreciated. Writing and then reading these notes should generate happy memories and positive feelings that you can build upon.
3. Prioritize personal gestures. Based on your letters, agree to rekindle some gestures or experiences that were routine during your courtship but have since fallen by the wayside. These small gestures will force you to step back from your daily demands and work toward a more loving marriage. As a client in couples therapy recently explained: "The love letters reminded us of a time when we routinely surprised one another with hand-written notes. I traveled on business last week, and discovering an unexpected note in my suitcase made me feel incredibly happy. It is shocking how such small gestures can make a gigantic difference." Whether it is bringing home flowers, writing affectionate notes or giving each other massages, prioritize small intimate gestures, and you will notice more positive energy in your relationship. How Often Married Couples Kiss, According To Research
4. Date! Dating is essential for couples with young children. Why? Because couples must EXIT their household together to create space from their demanding routines and recharge romantically. If your children resist and ask you why you are going out, say something like: "We love our time with you, but we also love each other and we want some grown-up time to talk about how much you love you and how much we love each other."
I practically beg the married couples I work with to date. I share with them divorce's dirty secret: that divorcees frequently realize they are more engaged parents because they have built in down time, and wish they had prioritized dating during their marriages. But I hear the same two excuses, time and money. Consider all of the time you make for your children and your careers. Isn't your spouse worth at least two nights a month of your undivided attention?
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As for money, consider reaching out to a trusted relative or friend for child care, or form a small baby-sitting cooperative. Remember: a home where children see two loving parents — not just two distinct operating entities — makes for a happy childhood! I encourage couples ending therapy to direct the money they have budgeted for counseling toward a baby-sitting fund. After all, baby-sitting is cheaper than therapy and astronomically cheaper than divorce! Love Bytes: The One Thing You Should Know About Marriage
If you are not significantly more engaged and connected in your marriage after taking the above four steps, consider seeking therapy to assess whether other underlying issues should be addressed.
From Ilene Dillon:
Teach Your Children By Example
Children are souls new to the earth, who must learn its ways in order to make their own path through life. Our job, as parents, is to teach them what they need to know for the best possible journey through life. And how is this done? Most powerfully and thoroughly, through modeling. As early as you can in the process of having a family, assess what you want to teach your children and how you can best model it.
Don't we want for our children an enjoyable, balanced, nurturing, loving and kind journey? If so, we need to model it! Now, look at your relationship and ask what you can do to make your own relationship (the model) demonstrate enjoyment, balance, nurturing, love and kindness. Then do it! And do it with a "happy heart," realizing that you get to live in these wonderful ways, rather than have to. "Perfect" Married Couples: As Happy As We Think?
I was taught that a mother put her children before herself. It didn't take me long, in the 20 years I lived as a single parent, to realize that if I did that, the entire family would suffer. I needed to put myself first whenever possible, so I was rested, healthy and positive enough to keep things going! Whether you have one parent in the home, or two, the same is true. When parents nurture themselves, and take the time to love and nurture one another, the family runs more smoothly, the model is clear for the children, and the entire life journey is more satisfying for everyone.
Dr. Seymour Boorstein, half-century partner of Buddhist and author Sylvia Boorstein, taught me something that can help every relationship to be conscious and nurturing. He said: "When you talk to your spouse, say what you have to say in a way that you know they are going to be happy to hear what you’re saying!" Easier said than done, but certainly worth the effort. Imagine this "trickling down" to your children to be experienced in their childhood and used in their adulthood.
It's not what we tell our children that matters, it's what we show them. Take time and care to show them the most loving way through life.
Making the concerted effort to meet your own needs and keep your romantic relationship or marriage high on the priority list will give you the solid foundation needed to excel at work and model a successful relationship for your children. This is the kind of legacy that can be a beacon of shining light throughout generations to come.