A positive relationship should be a two-way street. He should be able to do for himself what he asks of you. If he does not have a car, his probing questions are to see if you have one. It’s much like a checklist, with the wrong intent. His ulterior motive is for you to transport him to and from his desired destinations or better yet, to use your car himself. He will use your car and not even replace the gas. He will use your car to see and transport other women. He is not asking about your kids so he can babysit and spend quality time with them. He is not asking about the family dog so he can walk him. He is not asking who lives with you or how many bedrooms and baths are in your home because he wants to clean them or mow the yard. All his questions relate to what you can eventually do for him. He is thinking, can I live here? Maybe he cannot pay his rent, lives with his mother or desires to let his place go. He is wondering , does she have time to come pick me up and see me?
4. The Problem
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It is okay for you to help a man. But when a man intentionally seeks you out for this very purpose, he is using you. A man of class and maturity has no problem taking on the additional responsibilities or burdens of helping make your life easier, simply because he cares about you. He will catch the bus and will not ask you to come pick him up unmercifully all the time, unless he is in dire straits, it’s extremely bad weather or the two of you have advanced into a more serious commitment. It is to be expected that you play your part and do what you can to make his life easier at this point in your relationship. A man of class and maturity has shown you through his actions that he does not fit any of the “user mentality” characteristics.
5. Keeping Score
A man with a user mentality will tend to keep score in his favor. He will tend to keep a measure of everything he contributes to the relationship. A man who naturally gives will not necessarily keep track unless he begins to feel unappreciated. It is not generally his nature to keep track. His nature is to give and contribute where he can, like any good teammate would. A man with a user mentality looks to be the star and ball-hog of the relationship. He wants to be appreciated, even for the talent he does not have. He will take credit for everything. When you go out of your way to pick him up from work, he sees it as a benefit to you, instead of an inconvenience. Pay close attention to the little things. Does he offer you the last bite of his favorite dessert, or does he just gobble it down without giving you a passing thought? Do you always pay, even when he has money in his pocket? If you find yourself bringing in 90 percent of the household income, paying 90 percent of the rent, buying 90 percent of the groceries and entertainment and putting 90 percent of the gas in the car even when he uses it, you are not only being used, you are being pimped. A user only thinks of himself.
A man with a user mentality will make sure he gets things first for himself and will leave you sitting or standing there wondering, “why didn’t he think of me?” It’s a sad reality, but the sooner you recognize a user’s character traits and avoid him, the better it will be for you, your children and pets.
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Relationship Coach Jonathan T.