Who says married sex can't have plenty of "boom, boom, POW?"
We all miss those early days in a relationship, when the sexual energy between you and your new lover is enough to boost a rocket to the moon.
Alas, we grieve it's loss but the reality is — those initial fireworks are dead and not coming back. And this is normal! But just because the short-term spark fizzled out doesn’t mean you can’t continue to enjoy a passionate and steamy sex life in your long-term relationship.
My husband and I have been together 15 years, and though our relationship has it’s fair share of issues, we’ve got the sex part nailed! (Pun intended!)
Want to know our secret to a successful marriage? We shower our sex life with five F-words that keep our love fabulous and fiery:
Couples who've been together a long time, or who live together, often forget to still flirt with each other. It's important to continue this sexy, playful banter even though you see each other every day (doing un-charming things like flossing). Seize little moments in your day and use the deeper knowledge you have of one another as material to boost one another’s confidence.
Let your non-verbals, like body language or facial expressions, communicate what your words don't (Let your partner catch you starting admiringly from across the room). Comment on him "taking care of you" when he sends back the cold entrée. Notice how beautiful she still looks (even after a long work day). Accentuate his masculinity and celebrate her femininity. These are primal forces need tending throughout your relationship.
Don't let chivalry die just because you're now comfortable after years together.
My favorite example is telling my husband how manly he looks when he wears his tool belt. He immediately responds with a comment about me being a "pretty little thing," warning me that I should step back so I don’t get hurt. And in case you're thinking: That's chauvinist! — I’m a fiercely independent woman who traveled the world twice before I was 25-years-old and I've had two c-sections and my own business ... this flirtatious banter with my honey is all role play, and it works!
2. Flaunt It
It’s nearly impossible to have a good sex life if you're self-conscious about your body. Make sure to cultivate what I call "strong body love," which is a positive and appreciative relationship with your physical self. Take good care of your body, admire what your body can do, learn to love a few of your physical traits and flaunt what you've got.
Ladies, this means, walk around the house in your undies and a tank just to remind your guy of your goodies. And men, wear clothes that fit well — confidence is sexy, no hiding behind old worn out t-shirts please. When you go out together, it’s so important to accentuate your best assets and dress up for each other, just like you did in those early days.
Yes, I said fight! I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but occasional fighting in your relationship actually keeps the spice alive. So many people avoid conflict at all costs, because they fear conflict will destroy their relationship; but the truth is NOT having fights is what will destroy your relationship, over time.
If you aren’t fighting once in awhile, really airing your grievances, disagreeing passionately and experiencing your separateness, then you'll not only get bored and predictable — you'll end up full of resentment towards each other. Stuffing your truth, by acquiescing or withholding requests and complaints, doesn’t make conflict go away, rather it turns it into resentment towards a partner who has no idea this is happening.
Bring your full distinct selves to the ring and embrace honest conflict in your relationship. That grit, that tension between you will translate to fire in the bedroom. Passionate people have passionate relationships!
Dare I say it? YES! Grandiose visions and unrealistic expectations of romance can turn your sizzle soft — over time that gets boring. When you two have a solid bond and a strong emotional connection, there is no need for tender and gentle sexual encounters every time you have sex.
There is nothing sexier than experiencing your partner fully desiring you, confident in expressing it, and boldly going for it. My male clients tell me they wish their female partners would stop thinking about being pretty, feeling insecure about their bodies or about pleasing them, and just focus on meeting their own pleasure. Within the certainty and stability of a trusting relationship, turning up the f*ck factor in the bedroom is exactly what the sex and relationship expert orders.
5. (Up the) Frequency
If you want a plentiful sexual relationship, you must continually make it a top priority, which requires commitment from both partners. Literally, pull out your calendars and block time. If you have kids, mark the times they aren’t home or they're asleep. If you both work crazy hours, block your calendar as if time together is an important meeting (it is!).
Also, up the amount of time you spend alone outside the bedroom. When you were first dating, you knew for a few days or even a week ahead that Saturday night you’d see each other. You’d think about it, anticipate it, prepare for it, fantasize about it and maybe even flirt with each other as the day approached. Recreate that experience in your relationship by planning your dates in advance. Knowing ahead of time allows you both to mentally and physically prepare and let's delicious anticipation build.
Hilary Silver, LCSW is a therapist & relationship expert. For more advice and strategies for keeping your relationship Hot, Healthy & Happily Ever After, follow Hilary on Periscope @AskHilarySilver or join her online movement at HilarySilver.com.
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