Feeling ho-hum about your sex life? Have a productive talk with your partner and get busy!
Whether you want sex more than your guy does or he desires more intimacy more than you do, the bottom line is this: out-of-sync sex drives can ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Why is this? Because as long as one partner is always playing the role of "pursuer" and one partner is always playing the role of "rejecter", someone's going to start to feel resentful... and that's where most breakups begin.
Now, this doesn't mean you and your partner are necessarily headed for splitsville just because you're not on the same page sexually. However, it does mean that you should to get to the bottom of your sex drive imbalance and work it out together — as a team. This is definitely possible for couples willing to put in a little bit of work. Here's how to do it:
If your guy wants more sex than you do:
In general, men use sex to feel close. What's the difference with women? They need to already feel emotionally connected in order to get intimate. If you're finding it hard to get excited about sex, or you're feeling pressured by your guy, talk to him about it. Let him know that you need him to show up for you; that he needs to be nurturing and sweet outside of the bedroom. You could say something like:
"For me, foreplay starts outside of the bedroom, and it's that ongoing connectedness that I need to feel in order to get excited for sex. For example, I'd love it if you would compliment me, give me massages or bring me coffee just because you love me and want to make me feel good. Because right now, I feel like you only do those things to get me in the bedroom. Is that a shift you feel comfortable with?"
If you want more sex than your guy does:
This is a more delicate situation, but first and foremost you want to avoid taking your guy's disinterest too personally, because chances are it has nothing to do with you!
Sound impossible? It's probably true. Your guy's sex drive is affected by a ton of other variables, like health issues, stress and financial responsibilities, so you want to rule out all of those issues before you assume he's simply not attracted to you anymore (or that he's attracted to someone else, which is another place our minds often go).
In order to get to the bottom of this situation, you need to talk openly and honestly so the two of you can work through this bump in the road together. You could say something like:
"You know, I've noticed we haven't been having sex that much lately, and I want to talk to you about what's going on. I want you to know that I'm not taking it personally at all — I know you love me. I just want to help you figure out what's going on so we can work through this together."
This is a great opener, because you're letting him know that you're willing to discuss this honestly and as equal partners. By assuring him that you don't intend to place blame, he will be able to open up without feeling defensive. And you get to state what's on your mind: it's a win-win!
The bottom line is this: no matter what the reason is for your out-of-sync sex drives, it's 100% fixable. You both just have to be willing, open and honest with each other — and yourselves. Consider the art of communication and compromise, and you'll be back in sync in no time.
More sex advice from YourTango:
This article was originally published at Make Up or Break Up. Reprinted with permission from the author.