How shopping, drinking and innocent little crushes can destroy your bond with your guy?
So you and your sweetie never fight? That's great news, but you may want to take a look at some of the sneakier ways your partnership is in danger. Are you guilty of any of these definite "don'ts"?
One of the surprising signs your relationship is in trouble is if you start distracting yourself with seemingly harmless obsessions. For example, instead of connecting with your guy, you spend your evenings shopping online or researching an extravagant trip that isn't really going to happen because the finances aren't in place. Or maybe you've developed an "innocent" crush on a coworker, or started pouring yourself a glass of wine every single night because it makes the monotonous evenings with him easier to stomach.
All of these behaviors are actually ways to distract yourself from what's really going on in your relationship, and they're very good indications that your partnership is in serious trouble. Some people deal with their problems head on, while others choose to pretend there isn't an issue. In my experience coaching couples who are thinking about breaking up or divorcing, I've noticed that these "distractions" often pop up whenever physical or emotional intimacy leaves the relationship, and neither partner is talking about it.
The good news here is that the problem is in your power to fix — if you stop avoiding it. The answer is to turn your focus away from the outside stuff like shopping, chardonnay, and yes, your cute coworker, too, and focus 110 percent of your energy on rebuilding your relationship's intimacy.
How do you rebuild intimacy once it's been lost? For starters, be honest about how you've been avoiding your issues. Stop doing whatever it is you've been distracting yourself with. If you've been spending your lunch hour flirting with your cute coworker, drive to your guy's office and eat lunch with him! If you just joined another wine club, slow down and limit yourself to just a glass of wine every other night or when he joins you.
Next, turn your attention to your man. To rebuild the intimacy, you're going to have to share and be vulnerable with him again — even if at first it feels strange. Take an interest in maintaining your special, romantic bond, and start reconnecting to all the things you love about him. When he comes home, turn off the TV, have a conversation, and look at him. Go on a walk, hold his hand, and kiss more frequently. Be present with your man, and the intimacy will slowly but surely start to come back.
If you're feeling like you want to talk to him about what's been happing in your relationship, try saying something like: "Babe, I feel like I've been really checked out from our relationship lately, and focusing a lot of my time on shopping and indulging with my friends... have you noticed that? I love you and I'm sorry. I don't want us to grow apart, and here's what I'm going to do to change it..."
Remember that relationships go through ebbs and flows, and if you're feeling disconnected from your guy, it's probably because you're not giving as much to the relationship as you used to. Relationships are mirrors. Your partnership can't thrive if you're drinking, shopping, and thinking about other men all the time! Start thinking more about your man. You still have to put in the effort and dig deep to maintain that special connection. Don't you want the same from him?
More Advice On Relationships from YourTango:
- A New Twist On The 80/20 Rule For Relationships
- Why Men Are More Distant Than Women In Relationships
- Romance: How To Keep It Going Forever