We Love People Who Hurt Us 'Til We Fix Our Picker


We Love People Who Hurt Us 'Til We Fix Our Picker
Always picking hurtful dates? Fix that by taking new steps to attract a healthy,happy love match now

Discover if you can fix a broken picker and attract a happy, healthy love match in highlights of my radio interview for A Lasting Love with Ross Rosenberg. 
He’s a veteran psychotherapist-author of The Human Magnet Syndrome-Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. 

Hadley:  Let’s help dating singles who want to stop attracting matches who hurt them.


Ross:  If you have a broken picker, and you need help picking a great partner, think about what it is about yourself that helps you find mental health in love.  Understand what it is about you that keeps attracting the wrong person who’ll hurt you.

Hadley:  It’s good to study your 11 point self orientation scale and see where a romantic partner’s personality traits fit with yours.  Are you attracting an opposite personality match who’s emotionally healthy or dysfunctional?

I’d like to clarify we’re not talking about wanting common core values in a mate, which is good, like wanting to raise a family or wanting to honor marital vows.  We’re talking about opposite emotional traits, not values.

Ross:   What’s similar is important.  As much as opposites attract by an unconscious attraction force, what you do value will attract someone with these values.  Yet the glue that binds relationships is the unconscious forces that attract emotional opposites. 

Hadley:  So it’s good to do some self reflection to be aware of your driving forces that have been with you since childhood that can sabotage adult relationships.  What if you’ve done that emotional work?  What if you’ve healed old traumas and you don’t have any childhood issues to work out?  You’re not saying that healthy, happy people can’t attract a passionate, healthy love match? 

Ross:  I’m not saying that.  The opposite dysfunctionals (narcissists and codependents) are at the far end of the continuum on my 11 point self orientation scale.  As you get healthier and healthier you move to the center of this continuum.  We all fit somewhere on it.   We all are oriented more toward satisfying others needs or our own, and this is not necessarily dysfunctional.
So healthy people fit in the center of the scale.  Many healthy people like to be caretakers--therapists, doctors, nurses, radio hosts. 
People who like to care for others will be attracted to go-getters, who focus on their own needs.
So two healthy people, who have matching opposites self orientation, will be attracted. 

For example I am building a counseling business, writing books, traveling for work.  My wife is a perfect match, because she takes good care of me and our son, not in an unhealthy, codependent way.  We wouldn’t be a good match, if she also were building a business, writing books and traveling.

When we met, we fell in love because there were unconscious dynamics that were perfectly matched. Keep Reading...

More dating advice from YourTango

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Hadley Finch


Get all the happy, sexy love you desire,

Hadley Finch

Founder SinglesLoveMatches.com and  FindLoveForNewYearsEve.com

Creator  Happy Sexy Love Magazine on Apple Newsstand and Couples Love Toolkit

Author  911 Breakup Survival-How to Get Over A Breakup And Love Again, Like It's The First Time

and Happy Sexy Love In Romantic Relationships  and Happy Sexy Love Blog

Author of Novel with songs,  Tribe Of Blondes - Resilient Optimists Who Believe in Great Love

Radio host  A Lasting Love

Single Travelers Meet on Vacations You'll Love

Couples Find Bliss On Vacations You'll Love



Location: Oak Brook, IL
Credentials: BS
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Divorce/Divorce Prevention
Other Articles/News by Hadley Finch:

Looking To Rekindle The Passion? Try This 28-Day Challenge In Bed


The happiest couples enjoy an active sex life, making love at least 2-3 times each week with their beloved partner to keep happy, sexy, love hormones flowing and creating a brain in love. They enjoy the healthy longevity benefits that stem from an active sex life in a committed relationship known as "the marriage effect." Unhappy couples often ... Read more

Make A First Date A Great Match In 3 Easy Steps


Each person falls in love through their dominant sensory doorway of seeing, hearing or feeling. Think of this sensory doorway as a love language. Each person feels close and connected to someone who speaks their dominant sensory love language, but feels little or no connection with someone who doesn't. How do you use this news to make your date fall in ... Read more

4 Ridiculous Questions Single People Should NEVER Ask


Asking better questions leads to better relationships, both with others and with yourself (which is the most important relationship of them all). Not all questions are good questions, though. In fact, some questions are downright toxic to your love life. Avoid the following questions if you ever want to attract the love that you truly want, need and ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Most Popular