50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

We Love People Who Hurt Us 'Til We Fix Our Picker

By

We Love People Who Hurt Us 'Til We Fix Our Picker
Always picking hurtful dates? Fix that by taking new steps to attract a healthy,happy love match now

Discover if you can fix a broken picker and attract a happy, healthy love match in highlights of my radio interview for A Lasting Love with Ross Rosenberg. 
He’s a veteran psychotherapist-author of The Human Magnet Syndrome-Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. 


Hadley:  Let’s help dating singles who want to stop attracting matches who hurt them.

More from YourTango: We Love People Who Hurt Us Till We Heal Human Magnet Syndrome


Ross:  If you have a broken picker, and you need help picking a great partner, think about what it is about yourself that helps you find mental health in love.  Understand what it is about you that keeps attracting the wrong person who’ll hurt you.


Hadley:  It’s good to study your 11 point self orientation scale and see where a romantic partner’s personality traits fit with yours.  Are you attracting an opposite personality match who’s emotionally healthy or dysfunctional?


I’d like to clarify we’re not talking about wanting common core values in a mate, which is good, like wanting to raise a family or wanting to honor marital vows.  We’re talking about opposite emotional traits, not values.


Ross:   What’s similar is important.  As much as opposites attract by an unconscious attraction force, what you do value will attract someone with these values.  Yet the glue that binds relationships is the unconscious forces that attract emotional opposites. 

Hadley:  So it’s good to do some self reflection to be aware of your driving forces that have been with you since childhood that can sabotage adult relationships.  What if you’ve done that emotional work?  What if you’ve healed old traumas and you don’t have any childhood issues to work out?  You’re not saying that healthy, happy people can’t attract a passionate, healthy love match? 


Ross:  I’m not saying that.  The opposite dysfunctionals (narcissists and codependents) are at the far end of the continuum on my 11 point self orientation scale.  As you get healthier and healthier you move to the center of this continuum.  We all fit somewhere on it.   We all are oriented more toward satisfying others needs or our own, and this is not necessarily dysfunctional.
So healthy people fit in the center of the scale.  Many healthy people like to be caretakers--therapists, doctors, nurses, radio hosts. 
People who like to care for others will be attracted to go-getters, who focus on their own needs.
So two healthy people, who have matching opposites self orientation, will be attracted. 

For example I am building a counseling business, writing books, traveling for work.  My wife is a perfect match, because she takes good care of me and our son, not in an unhealthy, codependent way.  We wouldn’t be a good match, if she also were building a business, writing books and traveling.

More from YourTango: We Love People Who Hurt Us Till We Turn Limerance Into True Love


When we met, we fell in love because there were unconscious dynamics that were perfectly matched. Keep Reading...

More dating advice from YourTango

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Recent Expert Posts
Trouble In Paradise

5 Signs Your Marriage is At Risk

Learn the warning signs for divorce so you can avoid a crisis and find ways to turn things around.

woman sending naked pic

Before You Hit Send: The Cold, Hard Truth About Sending Nude Pics

Ever thought about sharing nude photos or sexting with a new guy? Read on to know what to watch for.

Party Time

Do you know how to be happy?

What is it that will make you happy? There is no one formula that suits all but self-knowledge helps

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS