Many people think that as we get older we stop feeling romantic and that sexual urges fizzle out. Recently, I had the privilege of performing a wedding for a couple of seventy-year olds. The day was gorgeous with beautiful blue skies and puffy white clouds. The bride and groom were blissfully happy as they exchanged vows and rings.
As these two senior citizens looked at each other with eyes of love, I was reminded that you are never too old to feel romantic love. Although we may age and develop wrinkles and gray hair, inside we can still feel as young as when we were teenagers. Yet how many of us are able to maintain the sexual enjoyment of that early love?
Alice, a sixty-five year old woman had been married for 30 years to seventy-year-old Sam. Alice's sex drive disappeared completely in her fifties during her menopause while her husband still reported a strong drive at seventy. One of Alice’s complaints all through their marriage had been that her husband rarely initiated sex. She resented feeling responsible for being in charge of their sex life. Her anger increased when she continued to force herself to create sexual opportunities to please Sam even when she didn't feel turned on at all.
By the time I met her, Alice had given up hope that she would ever feel spontaneous desire for her spouse again. The love she felt for him had begun to erode too. She kept telling Sam that her "on switch" seemed to be out of order, but once she got it going she could enjoy herself, he still made no effort to help her "jump start" her sex engine.
I asked Alice to think about her sexual problem with Sam and tell me how it made her feel. She replied that she was angry at Sam for not initiating sex, resentful because he wasn't willing to understand what she was experiencing, guilty because she couldn't satisfy him, powerless over her weak libido, frustrated about the state of affairs, and hopeless about solving the problem.
I asked her to focus on one emotion at a time while employing EFT tapping. EFT is a simple acupressure process of gently touching or tapping on a few energy points on your face and upper body. You can learn it in minutes and use it to eliminate negative emotions, beliefs and upsetting memories. Find out how to treat yourself with ease in my book, Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing.
Begin by focusing on a negative emotion, thought, memory, or situation as you gently tap along the outer edge of either hand below the little finger. We call that the Karate Chop Spot. Next, using the index and middle fingers, tap or press each of these points for 3 seconds as you continue to concentrate on what is bothering you.
- The hair of the eyebrow where it begins nearest the nose
- The outside edge of the eye socket
- Under the lower lid of the eye
- Under the nose
- Under the lower lip
- Under the collarbone
- On the side of your body 4 inches under the armpit
Keep tapping around and around until the negative emotion is neutralized or transforms into a positive feeling about the situation. Perhaps you will think of a solution to your problem.
After Alice tapped her acupressure points she was surprised that her anger and resentment toward Sam disappeared. It was replaced by acceptance of him as he was. Instead of punishing both of them by withholding sex because of her anger, she decided that she was willing to make the first step willingly without resentment since the end result brought closeness that she missed and pleased both of them.
Not long after our sessions, Alice was astonished when her sex drive reawakened. She felt aroused more often and actually wanted sex! She no longer had to "fake it till she made it." When she initiated a romantic interlude with her husband, she really meant it, and didn't have to try to feel passionate. She was happily surprised that a woman her age could feel so young again. Of course Sam was smiling a lot more too. Read more about relationship issues in my eBook Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It.
If you have been suffering from problems of desire and performance, as you get older, EFT acupressure tapping can enable you to rediscover your sexual desire and rekindle what might seem to be a dying flame in your sex life. An unsatisfying sexual relationship that results from negative beliefs about yourself coupled with a lack of information about sex can make you and your partner miserable.
Do you have pre-existing negative expectations that as you age you will become less desirable and less interested in sex? Here are some common beliefs to tap about.
- I am too wrinkled to be attractive and feel sexy.
- Older people don't have much of a sex drive.
- I am embarrassed about my partner seeing my flabby body.
- I have trouble getting aroused or maintaining erections the way I used to.
- I am scared to initiate sex with my partner because I'm afraid that I'll be rejected.
- I don't think that I can achieve orgasms.
Make your own list of all the ways you've convinced yourself that you're unattractive, have less sexual desire, are too old or too self-conscious to have orgasms, and take heart. You can re-awaken romance and desire, no matter your age.
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