How did I learn about love, giving it and receiving it when I was growing up?
Who we are and how we see the world results from the experiences we have as we go through life and the decisions we make as a result. Where you were born, the culture you grew up in, the people who reared you, the rules you were taught to obey and the historic era you have lived in have brought you to this moment of despair.
It is time for each of you to take stock of what brought you together. Is your life history helping you or hurting you? As you each answer these questions I think you will realize what makes you tick when it comes to feeling love and expressing it in ways that make you and your partner happy.
What did I learn about love from my family?
- Did I grow up in a family with both parents present? If not, did I have just one adult parenting me? Were there a series of adults, other relatives, lovers or stepparents?
- Did my parents or adult mates of my parents act loving toward each other? Did they show affection? How?
- Were they sexual in my presence? What did I learn from them about sex?
- Did any of the adults in my family show me love? What did they do or say? How did it feel? What did I tell myself about that?
- What did I hear these adults say about love?
- Did their actions fit their words?
- What adult was I close to that was not in my home? (Teacher, friend's parent, Aunt, Uncle, neighbor, coach) What did that person tell me or teach me about love?
Talk with each other about your early life and the decisions you made that led to your present behavior when you try to express love to each other. Once you understand more about why your lover does what he does and he discovers why you behave as you do, you will be able to understand each other better. He still may not turn into the perfect lover of your imagination, but you now understand him better, and hopefully he understands you too. The rest is up to you.
In my book Grownup Love: Getting It And Keeping It you will find more information to help you discover why you feel unloved and what to do about it.