Why You Should Put Off The Relationship Talk

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Why You Should Put Off The Relationship Talk
When should you have the relationship talk? Maybe never.

 

 

 

 

"But I want us to be honest with each other!", you cry. You can and should be open and communicative, yes. But unless you're about to close on a house together or do something else that's legally binding (like marriage), there's nothing to be gained by this conversation. What you want is to have him (or her) keep showing up. Now's not the time to ask him to sign the paperwork so you can issue him an official badge. He doesn't need one.

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Also: Don't confuse honesty with security. You think that if you know more about what's going on under the hood you'll feel better, but that may not be the case. Do you really want to know he likes you a lot but is getting over a crush from last summer, or that his ex-girlfriend has been calling again? Does he want to know you're sort of weaning off this other guy? No, no, and no. Not your biz, not his problem. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you keep choosing to spend time with and enjoy each other. It's the actions that matter, not the definition of those actions. You don't have to kick the tires every two seconds. Just drive.

Oh--and screw your Facebook status. Honestly. If you're making relationship decisions so you can click a box, I fear for your future. Because checking a box has driven more than one person into relationships--and marriages--that shouldn't have happened. Labeling your life isn't the same as living it.

Case in point: A client of mine has kindled a connection with a man who lives states away, and a good chunk of the year overseas. She wants to know if he’s her boyfriend or if he could be, and worries that by not nailing it down that she’s succumbing to game playing. I tell her, in fact, she’s not a pawn in some game; she’s very much in control of her actions. And yes, it is a game—and the goal is to keep the ball in play. You do this by maintaining a rich and vital connection, staying in touch and letting that person know you’re very much interested. As soon as she tries to get him to submit to certain rules or titles, I warned her she’ll scare him away, and he’s already far away.

Let's get one thing straight: That discomfort you feel? That excitement? It exists due to the simple fact that things are NOT SET YET. Enjoy it. Don't suck the life out of it in an effort to make it shelf stable. If you're still with this guy 10 years from now, there will be a point, sooner than you think, when you'll wonder where the magic went. This nervousness and thrill is par for the course—and trust me, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.

 

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
 
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