At a conference I attended earlier this year, I heard the amazing Brene Brown give a speech about “Move-a-Body-Friends” (MABF’s): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and dispose of a body, no questions asked.
At first I thought, Who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task?
Next I thought, Who would I have to “off” to see if my supposed MABF will follow through?
Then, it dawned on me. Brene was simply speaking metaphorically. So I put down the knife. I figured I’d check in with one of my besties, to see if she’d move a body for me. It went something like this.
Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up?
Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?
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MABF: Wait, say that again?
Me: Would you move a body for me?
MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?
MABF: How did it die?
Me: Does that matter?
MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose? Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident.
How quickly we assume it’s the husband.
Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.
MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?
Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.
MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to kill someone with a cream cheese? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.
Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!
MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.
Me: I just told you I beat him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved. Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long. I want you to know I’m starting to rethink our friendship.
MABF: Why do we have to move it? Couldn’t we just say it was self-defense?