Moving Dead Bodies and Other Things We Do for Our Friends

By GalTime's Funny Gal, Jenny from the Blog, Jenny Isenman, for GalTime.com

 

More from YourTango: The One Thing He Can't Do For You

At a conference I attended earlier this year, I heard the amazing Brene Brown give a speech about “Move-a-Body-Friends” (MABF’s): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and dispose of a body, no questions asked.

At first I thought, Who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task?

 

Next I thought, Who would I have to “off” to see if my supposed MABF will follow through?

Then, it dawned on me. Brene was simply speaking metaphorically. So I put down the knife.  I figured I’d check in with one of my besties, to see if she’d move a body for me. It went something like this.

Me: Hey.

 

Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up?

Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?

 

RELATED How To Make Other Mom Friends

MABF: Wait, say that again?

 

Me: Would you move a body for me?

MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?

 

Me: Yep.

MABF: How did it die?

 

Me: Does that matter?

MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose?  Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident. 

How quickly we assume it’s the husband.

More from YourTango: How To Get Financially Stable After Divorce

Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.

 

MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?

Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.

MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to kill someone with a cream cheese? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.

 

Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!

MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.

 

Me: I just told you I beat him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved.  Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long.  I want you to know I’m starting to rethink our friendship.

RELATED How to Fight Fair With Your Best Friend

MABF: Why do we have to move it? Couldn’t we just say it was self-defense?