ARE THERE TOO MANY DATING CHOICES? ANOTHER THEORY DEBUNKED
A 20ish woman was telling me some of her dating woes--and theories. I love the theories most of all.
She had been doing some dating on OKCupid, and had come to the conclusion that the problem with online dating was that "there were too many people on there."
What do you mean too many people? I mean, I could see if you were trying to date in the online stone age when there weren't ENOUGH people doing it and the digital pickins were slim. But that's hardly the issue now. Plenty of folks are on there looking. But saying there are too many people on there is like saying you can't buy a book because there are way too many titles being offered.
Why limit this argument to OKCupid, or Match, or any dating site for that matter? Why not just say there are too many people on the planet to date anyone?
As a dating and relationship coach, it’s my job to see through stories, theories, and excuses to the fear beneath. And I wasn't buying it. Plus: When was the last time you heard a single woman complain that there were just too many men to choose from? Unless you plan on reducing the world population to increase your dating potential, this is a non issue.
There was something else afoot. Then she said it.
"Well, since there are too many people on there, guys just keep looking."
Aha! So that's it. It's not a fear of surplus online profiles -- it's fear of competition, paired with a lack of confidence.
When I asked her if she felt a little threatened by the idea that a guy would go on a date with her and then keep looking, she balked. Of course not. "I mean, I have had ten dates with different guys, and I just don't want to waste my time if I don't get a vibe."
So she didn't like the idea of someone racking up dates with her and her fellow ladies...but yet she was doing the same thing. Right? Did she not see that? Or did she think she was dating defensively, clicking through date after date because she had this idea that men were doing the same?
FEAR OF CROWDS
This is not a new fear, brought on by the surfeit of online dating options. This is an oldie but goodie in digital disguise: That there's someone out there better than us. That the same compulsion that causes a man to click through channel after channel without watching anything, is the same one that will cause him to pass us by. After all, if someone can keep up the virtual hunt, and click through thousands of profiles, why would someone choose her, she wonders.
Related: 6 Things Women Do That Scare Men Off