By Marianne Beach, GalTime.com
So what do you do if you find yourself torn between two wonderful men, but know in the end, you have to make a choice? We asked psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC of Consum-mate.com. She says one of the most common scenarios is the best friend vs. lover debacle.
"The hardest situations are when someone is best friends with someone. They love them deeply and feel this person is their soul mate. However, they have no physical attraction and have tried over time to find one--but it just isn't there," she says. "Then along comes someone they have intense physical chemistry with. They feel all the thrills and excitement that go with this. However, there is an emotional or intellectual disconnect."
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Unfortunately. she says, there's no way to combine two guys to make the perfect match. And you're left with a tough decision.
"Usually in these cases, the decision of who will be the one comes down to what they feel they most need in a relationship and what they can accept less of," says Coleman. "It might also be that the missing component in one relationship can be worked with and a stronger connection can grow over time."
Of course actually making that decision can be agonizing, to say the least. Should you go with your heart? Or your head?
"I have always encouraged and supported clients in following both their heads and hearts," Coleman insists. "Making conscious choices about who is right and why facilitates an open communication about issues, concerns and differences...This being said, it is also important to follow one's gut and instincts. If it doesn't 'feel' right it isn't- no matter how good he looks on paper."
Sometimes that "other love" is one you know well--the one who got away. What if you find you can't stop thinking about your ex, even though you also have feelings for your current guy? Coleman says instead of pining, it might actually be worth taking a little break from your current relationship to spend time with the ex, in order to remember why you broke up in the first place. As long as you're upfront and honest about what you're doing.
"[You] will now get to revisit, rehash and again experience life with the ex," says Coleman. "All the issues that led to the end of [your] relationship will come to the surface."
And while she says while it is possible that both of you have matured and changed and the renewed relationship is now a great fit, remember, most of the time that doesn't happen.