“It was the worst sex I have ever had.”
Some guys say that kind of thing when you break up with them as a way to get back at you -- “Yeah, screw you! !”
This guy broke up with me. And while telling me that I was awful in bed was certainly a blow, it was true. And considering that I am my own worst critic, beat myself up if I look stupid, say the wrong thing, or don’t come out on top (though I prefer the bottom in bed), I took the comment as constructive criticism and began to research.
I went to the bookstore and got a book written by a woman who was given notes on how to give head by her best gay guy friend. I devoured this book, reading it over and over again, taking notes on the pages, doing the motions with my hands and tongue in the air looking like an absolute freak at stop lights. And while a book-based education is great, there’s nothing like the real thing.
After a couple of weeks of dating the next guy I was with, after sex I asked him for “notes.”
“What did you most like?”
“What can I do differently, better, stop doing all together?”
This wasn’t an insecure “was that good enough for you” type of questioning, but rather I wanted to be the best I could be, and the best way to find out was to understand how he experienced me.
Sex and dating is one area in which we can’t (or rarely) have a mentor to show us the ropes (unless you’re with Christian Grey). We are really out there learning from personal experience. Sure, there are manuals and guide books, but it’s really one of those things that has to be learned from experience. Kind of like riding a bike. You can be told the mechanics of the thing, understand the step by step, but you don’t really get it until it’s in your body.
You have to take your ego out of it. You are asking to be told what you are bad at, what needs improvement, in addition to what you’re good at. This is not about blowing smoke or fishing for compliments. If you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask for it. But if you don’t ask for it, you’re also limiting yourself. You’re saying, “I’m okay not being great at this.” And you know what? I am not okay not being great at it. I want to be a damn good lay and give damn good head. What’s the point of having crappy sex? I would rather skip it than endure it.