5 Marriage Secrets For Valentine's Day

5 Marriage Secrets For Valentine's Day

5 Marriage Secrets For Valentine's Day

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Tips that will improve your marriage for Valentine's Day and beyond!

By Author Dr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., for GalTime.com

Valentine's Day is the holiday for romance and romantic gestures. Why not take advantage of this day dedicated to love to improve your marriage? With a few simple switch-ups, you can put some practices in place that will improve your marriage for Valentine's Day and beyond!

1. Pick three things to warm his heart. Celebrate Valentine's Day by practicing kindness and generosity, even if your partner is behaving badly. Do the little things that make him or her feel loved, valued and chosen. Remember that you can communicate interest, generosity and love in non-verbal ways, as well as with words and language. A simple gesture such as a hand on a back, a nod or a smile can make your partner feel seen and cared for. Affection Is Key To Keeping Love Alive

 

No matter how distant your marriage has become, and no matter how dense you claim to be about relationships, come up with three specific actions you can take to make your partner feel loved and respected on Valentine's Day. No expert in the universe knows what warms your partner's heart the way you do. It's deciding in advance what your three things are and actually doing them. That's the hard part.

Related: The Most Romantic Destinations in the U.S.

2. Give him a break. Tell him what you want. Your partner may be about to blow off Valentine's Day and it's important to you to celebrate. Don't wait until he forgets, as if you're giving him a test that you're waiting for him to fail. Give the poor guy a break and remind him a week in advance. Tell him what you want, even though you think he should know. ("I want you to make a reservation at our favorite Italian restaurant, and I want a Valentine's Day card. And don't forget that I hate flowers!") Don't count on him to have learned from his mistakes from last year.

3. Call off the chase. If you're married to a distancer, Valentine's Day is a good time to call off the chase. Don't use this special day to "process" your relationship and talk about how the two of you never talk. Instead, just talk. Don't pursue him. Valentine's Day is not the time to bring up your partner's lack of warmth, interest, and attentiveness, or to compare him unfavorably with your best friend's romantic husband. If, say, you go to a movie and you're upset that he doesn't hold your hand or seem to acknowledge your presence, let it go. When you leave the theater, just talk about the movie. Surprise him with praise, just when he imagines you're going to hit him with criticism.

4. Overcome your L.D.D. (Listening Deficit Disorder) Listening without defensiveness is the ultimate spiritual act and the most precious Valentine's gift that we can give to our partner. Decide in advance that on this special day, you will enter every conversation with the goal of asking questions and listening only to understand. This means that you don't interrupt, argue, defend yourself, correct his exaggerations or distortions, or bring up grievances of your own. Save your defense for a future conversation on another day.

Forget about being right. Try to catch yourself when your focus on being right blocks you from working toward a common purpose- having a great Valentine's Day together!
 

Related: Top 10 Things Guys Wish They Could Say...

5. Get more bite marks on your tongue. You know what irritates your partner so don't do it on February 14th. Dial down the criticism. Get out of debate mode, worry-mode, or advice-giving mode. Put nagging aside and don't bring up the to-do list. Do I really need to tell you that a Valentine's dinner isn't the time to figure out a more equitable sharing of household chores? 14 Ways To Stop Nagging And Save Your Relationship

If you've paired up with a distancer, he or she may be allergic to the sheer number of sentences or the intensity in your voice. So, if you do have a legitimate complaint, slow down your speech, lower the volume and say it shorter. You may need to fake it for the evening or engage in a bit of creative pretending. The goal is not to put a patina of false brightness on real problems, but rather to experiment with bold new behaviors. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to try on a "new you"!

Related: Can We Have too Much Communication and Honesty?

Follow these five rules on February 14th. Then, try to live them as a daily practice. Making this effort will lay the foundation for dealing with conflict as it arises, and exceeding his threshold of deafness when you need to take a strong position and draw the line. I promise you this: If you follow these rules most of the time, (even with a large margin of error), you'll give your marriage the best chance of succeeding. Your relationship thanks you in advance.

More from GalTime:

How to Let Your Husband Know You Need More in Bed
Newlywed 911: Protecting Young Marriages
How to Handle the Gift they Promised Not to Get You
Why Men Look at Other Women 

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.
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