Your sex life is in need of some serious mouth to mouth, STAT!
It sucks when this happens ... but no one is immune!
What exactly am I talking about? Well, I mean that moment when all the hot, steamy, toe-curling sex disappears from your marriage and now you're getting the cold shoulder from your husband. In fact, it's starting to both piss you off and frighten you at the same time. Is sex in your marriage doomed to look like this?
For all the clichés about women not being in the mood, men actually get turned off just as easily as we do. What you may NOT be admitting is that perhaps you're the culprit for his waning interest.
Not sure if you've turned off his ardor with your annoying behavior? Here are three signs that YOU are what's wrong (and how to fix it):
1. You're texting or call him constantly (especially at his work).
You want to know if he picked up the dry cleaning this morning. So, you call your husband. Later, you want to know when his parents are coming into town. So, you text your husband. Toss in a few more intrusions into his day. And you're doing all of this while he's at work? If so — stop!
Men are creatures who want and need require a great deal of focus. They define their success by their results and "focus" is their special skill for achieving those results ... so they compartmentalize. Which means, when your husband is at work you're probably not on his mind. Get over it!
By constantly contacting him you're therefore become an annoying distraction. It's poor relationship communication and in his mind you're nagging him or mothering him — either way, he doesn't want to have sex with a shrew nor with his mother.
If it's critical that you reach him during the workday, find out when his lunch break is with a short (i.e. four word) text and ask to speak with him then.
Remember, what women seem to say in five sentences, men would rather hear in five words (and without the parade of emoticons). If he is open to making lunch plans with you, even better! But, let him suggest it. Otherwise, don't disrupt his day unless absolutely necessary. Respect his time.
2. You've confiscated his balls.
Are you picking and organizing every activity you do together? Do you track his whereabouts? Do you even tell him what to eat or not eat?
STOP ... please. Naturally, your husbands primal instinct is the role of provider.
In the caveman days, he'd go out with the boys to hunt your food and provide your shelter. Let him be the one who cherishes and adores you — the one who strives to give you everything necessary to keep you happy and safe. THIS is what he wants.
By calling all the shots you're suppressing that protector/provider side of him. You can't expect his manly libido to pop up with you constantly shoot him down.
If you're an 'alpha' personality, it is often truly tough to play a "damsel in distress", yet our partners need to know that we want them to just be our guy. Your man needs you to not nitpick his innate habits and instead, longs to hear directly that you desire him "just the way his is."
Give him what I call "Triple A" support: Acknowledge, Appreciate, and Accept him. Let him put some plans in motion, stroke his ego a bit, and make him feel like the guy you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship.
You'll see his mood (and affection) start to change and the testosterone start flowing to all the right places again.
3. You're not in love with yourself.
Your husband isn't a mind reader, yet he can and does read the vibes you give off to him. When your morale or confidence is low, or you're unhappy, he notices and it makes his life with you a whole lot tougher. His happiness and sense of success in the world often hinges a great deal on how you feel. The saying, "A happy wife is a happy life" is cliché — yet, it's a reality for many men.
Your husband's instinct is to provide. He wants to provide for you financially and emotionally, however, what he may not know (and you don't want to accept) is that only you can provide the true emotional foundation that you need.
In order to get back to that confident, positive, sassy YOU, take time for yourself and your own happiness again.
Confidence is the sexiest thing you can take into the bedroom.
Read a self-help book, take yourself on a date without him, be caringly self-centric ... it's OK. This all gives you a chance to fall back in love with yourself and reduce the pressure of him being your everything.
Anticipation and imagination are the foundations to reversing a crisis of desire. Some say vibrant sex in marriage isn't the most important thing, but I believe it is a BIG piece of the intimacy puzzle and makes marriage work better.
So, take 100% accountability for 100% of your relationship and see where the magic develops.
If you want that mind-blowing sex again, ask yourself what you might be doing to get in the way. Then, get out of your own way.