Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love

By

Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love

I have a guy friend who is perpetually single. He’s got everything going for him. Advanced degree. Successful. Funny. Social. Ambitious. Good values.

And yet every time I talk with him, it’s the same old story.

Another woman just broke his heart.

When I ask him for the details of the latest debacle, it usually comes down to the fact that he’s a nice, relationship oriented man, who earnestly follows through and communicates his feelings… and she’s an aloof woman who tries to consider him as a romantic partner, but ultimately would rather chase an unattainable jerk.

It’s classic, really.

But when I ask my friend what makes him fall for these emotionally unavailable women, you know what he tells me?

“I like them because they’re smart and they’re hot.”

Got it.

Objectively, wouldn’t you tell this man that perhaps “smart” and “hot” aren’t necessarily the best criteria to evaluate a lifetime romantic partner?

Of course you would.

You’d tell him to appreciate her inner beauty, her warm smile, her generosity, her sense of humor. All the things you appreciate about your own girlfriends.

Yet when you look at your own life – at your consistent pining for tall, handsome, brilliant, fascinating men – you do the exact same thing.

Worse, you defend it in the same way that my friend does:

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”

You’re right. You can’t help what you’re attracted to.

But you can acknowledge that the men you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners.

You can acknowledge that attraction can be blinding and allow you to overlook a man’s flaws for way too long.

You can acknowledge that attraction isn’t either a “10” or a “1” – that there’s usually something in between.

And you can acknowledge that, for my guy friend, his addiction to smart, hot, aloof and inaccessible women isn’t really working for him.

By the way, I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t considered in my own life.

As a man who’s been married for nearly two years, I’ve finally started to get into a rhythm with my wife.

We just bought a house.

We’re hoping to start a family next year.

We both work from home and spend a lot of time together.

And unless something changes, you know what we spend most of our time doing?

Working.

When we’re not working, you know what we do?

We figure out how we’re going to decorate the house.

We plan weekends out of town to go to friends’ weddings.

We discuss when my mother’s going to visit us next.

We throw dinner parties, karaoke parties, and wine tastings.

We go food shopping and make chopped salads with beets.

We watch “Castle” and as many minutes of “Dancing with the Stars” as I can tolerate.

We retreat to our offices where she watches funny YouTube videos and I obsessively manage my fantasy football team.

We go upstairs, wash our faces, talk about our days, tell each other we love each other, and snuggle before drifting off to sleep.

It’s a WONDERFUL life.

You know how much time we spend having sex? A couple of hours a week.

You know how much time we spend talking about string theory, or Proust, or what happens to us when we die?

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Evan Marc Katz

Dating Coach

Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women and Your Personal Trainer for Love. Go to my website and get my free eBook: "The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Definitely Making in Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!"

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support
Other Articles/News by Evan Marc Katz:

Why Online Dating Works: A Rebuttal

By

If you're a card-toting, New York Times-reading liberal, like I am you probably get as upset as I do when the GOP spends all its energy trying to repeal Obamacare, based on fictional tropes like "death panels". While Obamacare is an imperfect act, the major ideas behind it are to get 30 million more people affordable health care, and to prevent ... Read more

Online Dating? Make Sure You're On The Same Page

By

You've read all of the dating tips. You put your profile online. You weed out the creepy guys, the poor spellers, the stalkers, the old men, the guys who winked and the guys who give their phone number in the first email. Naturally, you're left with a small core of decent men. You write back to a few. You flirt. You exchange private emails. You talk on ... Read more

Why You Should Date Your Complement, Not Your Clone

By

**Don't miss your chance to chat with Evan on the YourTango Facebook page this Thursday, October 6th at 2pm ET. Find out more about the event and RSVP here!** Once upon a time, I received a phone call from an entrepreneur who told me that she was going to build the best online dating site ever: Fuego Connect. The problem with dating sites, she ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB