What You Should Do If You're Not That Attracted to Your Boyfriend

By

Does this mean that you should stay with your amazing boyfriend even if you don't feel attracted? Ah, if it were only that simple… As you know, sexual attraction rarely grows over time. With men, this almost never happens. With women, it tends to be correlated to her feelings about her partner. However, this is presuming a steady baseline of attraction from which to grow. If there is NO attraction to start, there's not even any room to go down. That's a rough proposition for you to endure with a boyfriend. Thus, it's impossible to convince you to give a shot to someone you're purely NOT attracted to. No rational thinking is going to overcome your genetic and cultural biases.

As noted dating guru David DeAngelo says, "Attraction is not a choice". We're still going to crave choice and variety, and something approximating societal ideas of perfection, however unrealistic this might be. So we discriminate on age and height and weight and dozens of minute details of which we may not even be aware. If you doubt this yourself, go to an online dating site and make a list of your "favorites".

Odds are, they're going to be among the most physically attractive singles on the site. That doesn't mean that you don't care about who they are as people – what they do, what they earn, what they believe – but it all starts with attraction. The problem is that when we compare people side by side, great catches often lose out. Why respond to the 5'5" guy when there are six-footers out there? Why go out with the heavyset person when you can write to a lean model-type? Why go out with the 45-year-old when you can try the 29-year-old? Once again, this isn't my opinion. 20/20 did a study years ago in which women were more likely to date a cute 6'1" plumber than a 5'4" heart surgeon/concert pianist. But hey, you can't help what you're attracted to. That doesn't mean you're shallow – no more than anyone else. It just means you're human.

The other long-term thing to consider about why it's important to have attraction is that in a monogamous relationship, there's only ONE person with whom you'll be having sex for the rest of your life. In that case, well, you'd BETTER have some measure of attraction. Anything less is a recipe for wandering eyes and future infidelity. Which brings us to the moment of truth. You know that sex is the dessert and not the main course…but you know that this is the only person you'll ever be with again. You know that companionship is more valuable than lust over 40 years…but you know that attraction is important and won't get better over time. So should you stay or should you go if you're not that physically attracted to your partner? It all comes down to your own willingness to compromise. Because there's a difference between observing that your boyfriend's got a paunch and being physically repulsed by him. Only you can decide. If you're turned OFF by him, the whole thing's a non-starter. You're not doing yourself (or him) any favors by staying with him if he has no ability to excite you. However, if he's somewhere in the broader spectrum – somewhere between a 5-7 on the attraction scale, you may want to think twice before you toss him back in the sea.

First, ask yourself if he – or another man – could dissect YOU physically as well. How about emotionally? Intellectually? It's simple to find fault with others, but there's a certain grace and wisdom in loving people in spite of their flaws, just as you'd like to be loved in spite of yours. Second, ask yourself if your boyfriend – despite your middling attraction for him – can make up for it in bed. If he's energetic, passionate, and devoted to your pleasure, he may be more valuable to your love life than someone who is more aesthetically pleasing with the lights on. Finally, ask yourself if you can do appreciably better. We often underestimate how rare it is to have a partner who loves us unconditionally. Very often, the second you assume the grass is greener is the second you may find yourself in an exciting new romance…with a guy who only texts you once a week. Attraction is an intensely personal choice and is fundamental to maintaining a healthy sex life. But don't lose sight of the fact that you're better off with a 7 in attraction and a 10 in compatibility than you are with a 10 in attraction and a 4 in compatibility.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Evan Marc Katz

Dating Coach

Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for Smart, Strong, Successful Women and Your Personal Trainer for Love. Go to my website and get my free eBook: "The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Definitely Making in Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!"

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support
Other Articles/News by Evan Marc Katz:

Why Online Dating Works: A Rebuttal

By

If you're a card-toting, New York Times-reading liberal, like I am you probably get as upset as I do when the GOP spends all its energy trying to repeal Obamacare, based on fictional tropes like "death panels". While Obamacare is an imperfect act, the major ideas behind it are to get 30 million more people affordable health care, and to prevent ... Read more

Online Dating? Make Sure You're On The Same Page

By

You've read all of the dating tips. You put your profile online. You weed out the creepy guys, the poor spellers, the stalkers, the old men, the guys who winked and the guys who give their phone number in the first email. Naturally, you're left with a small core of decent men. You write back to a few. You flirt. You exchange private emails. You talk on ... Read more

Why You Should Date Your Complement, Not Your Clone

By

**Don't miss your chance to chat with Evan on the YourTango Facebook page this Thursday, October 6th at 2pm ET. Find out more about the event and RSVP here!** Once upon a time, I received a phone call from an entrepreneur who told me that she was going to build the best online dating site ever: Fuego Connect. The problem with dating sites, she ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular