As a dating coach, I often find myself challenging the very people I counsel. And the subject that always seems to arouse the most fireworks is the one where my clients want to chase white hot chemistry with a person whose looks are a “10". And really, who could blame them?
I can. Chasing "10's" is a terrible strategy for finding love.
Now, before we get into that in great detail, I want to state 3 important disclaimers:
First, not every person who is a “10" is damaged goods.
Second, not everyone agrees on what a “10" is.
Third, people can be judged on things other than looks. Believe me, I don't encourage people to run around labeling people with numbers. I just think it's a good shorthand.
So if I am to observe that a disproportionate number of “10's” are: shallow, narcissistic, selfish, demanding, difficult, more likely to flirt, less likely to commit, and somewhat disconnected from the ‘average’ person’s reality, you might say, “Maybe…but I know this one girl who is gorgeous and sweet”. And you’d be right. It still doesn’t change that most 10's are problematic partners.
I'm notorious for telling my clients to stop chasing 10's, and marry the 7's. Which is why it was no surprise to get this email back from one man:
"Most hot girls are crazy, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t advise anyone to date a 7. I say go for the 10 that’s awesome on the inside, too. They’re out there, you just have to look around and be the man that’s worthy enough to get with that gal. If you fall short, look in the mirror, and make the changes that make you attractive enough to land a 10/10."
Well, I’ve gotta disagree – vehemently – on a number of levels.
1) If a man or a woman is a 10, who is he/she going to most likely going to want to date? That’s right, another 10. Most men, in particular, don’t date “down”; they all want to date “up”.
2) If, as my friend says, you hold out for the 10's…and every other woman holds out for the 10's…but the male 10's want the female 10's…doesn’t that mean that pretty much every woman ends up not finding a partner? It’s like saying that everyone should hold out for a $500,000 salary because that’s what you’re WORTH. Well, if there’s only a few those jobs out there, there’s going to be a LOT of unemployment. That is, unless someone compromises – and finds a lower paying job (a 7) that has much better benefits and quality of life.
3) If the average guy is – logically – a 5, he usually thinks he’s an 8…and that he should be dating a 10. Yet women who are 10's have, literally, EVERY single man they meet hitting on them. I can’t think of a better explanation about the fundamental flaws of online dating than this phenomenon. You’ve got a 1-1000 chance of landing a 10, tops.
4) The most important reason that chasing 10's is a bad idea is that, when you get right down to it, you probably wouldn’t want to keep them. That’s the big blind spot. Chasing looks and chemistry is like a sport. There’s the rush of the chase, the thrill of victory, and the smugness of showing off your hot catch to all your friends – for a moment.
But what happens when you GET the tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, educated, sophisticated, world traveler/self-made millionaire?