How To Create Time For Sex After Having Kids


young couple with baby sex after kids
Watch couples and family therapist Esther Perel show you how to invigorate your bedroom.

When couples set out to create their family, very few of them give consideration to the changes that take place in the bedroom after the kids are born. For many of the couples I see, the joy of having children is diminished by the loss of their marital and sexual connection. Watch as I explain how you can re-create the eroticism in your marriage and connect with your partner on a deeper, more meaningful level.


It's important to remember that the behaviors that disconnect us from our erotic selves are habits we need to break. Below are three exercises that will help you break these routines.

Print this page or write down the steps and do them as they're explained. If you have any questions, please list them in the comments below. Once you really put this into practice, you'll soon see a change you desire and the sexual energy will begin to re-emerge in your relationship. Enjoy!

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To really make this advice work, you need to follow these action steps to complete today's challenge.

Right now, I want you to:

Create an erotic space for yourself and your partner by taking out a secret email address that is only shared between you two and doesn't go to your regular inbox. Make the account a special place where you and your sweetie exchange playful, surprising notes ("I'm thinking of you...", romantic poems, quotes, seductive thoughts etc.) and you leave out any references to regular life (no chat about kids, bills, work, chores etc.) Regular practice with this email address will help build up curiosity and increase seduction; both of which are part of the erotic ingredients needed that are lost when kids are added to the relationship.

Within 7 days I want you to:

Meet together at an unexpected time—after dropping the kids at school, take the morning off and spend it together. Meet for lunch fully dressed for your work day. Hire a babysitter to come and get the kids first thing from you and actually sleep in, in your own bed! You get the idea. This isn’t something you would do every week, but on occasion to get the most out of it. Think of it like this… we all have jobs, kids, obligations etc, and we will take off if someone is sick, but not for our own birthdays. Even if you only go to work two hours late, the idea is that you were late for yourself and not because you went to the doctor. Try and break your routine. Most couples save getting dressed up for a Saturday night date. Here you want to do the unexpected and create some surprise again. Let your partner see you in an unexpected moment and vary the routine. If you meet for breakfast this week, then meet next time meet for lunch.

By the end of the challenge I want you to:

This exercise you'll do together sitting face-to-face. Sit together and go back and forth 10- 15 times quickly answering the following questions:

• I turn myself off when..." followed by
• I turn myself on when..."

It’s good to answer in single sentences and remember that it’s a free association so quickly go back and forth. For example:

I turn myself off when…
• I go to the computer before going to bed,
• When I am worried about the kids
• When I feel distant from you because we have been ships passing in the night

I turn myself on when…
• I take time to go into the woods, walk, gym, play guitar etc
• When I notice people looking at me on the train
• When you make me laugh

Remember, this is not designed to blame the other person or to be an event where you say "you turn me off when...” You get the gist? The things you’ll mention are not sexual per se, but they’ll connect you to your desired and that’s what makes us feel alive.

Finally, by re-sexualizing a person it can help to bring back an erotic element for a couple. Consider this, if we feel deadened, bored with ourselves, why would our partner or spouse be interested in us? Where will their erotic energy come from? We have to help revive it; that’s our responsibilities and it is within our control to do so.

Article contributed by

Esther Perel


Learn more by visiting

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: MA
Specialties: Infidelity / Affair Recovery, Marriage, Sexuality
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