Eric Amaranth, sex coach, details what he defines as safe sex, safer, and safest sex.
us both. The full shaft coverage by the condom helps to protect her from internal HPV infection (and me as well). It does not, however, protect either of us from external HPV infection of the vulva, the skin around the base of the penis, or my scrotum (ball sack) upon which sex juices and lube can drip down.
One other option for increasing the safety of that is by using the female condom because it has a flared protective ring on the outside. Not perfect, but a little better. The downside of the female condom is by most opinions, including mine, even the new one doesn't feel very good compared to the thinnest condom on the market. You also have to make sure you dont come out all the way and thrust hard back into the vagina, which may have opened more from later stages of arousal, and force the female condom in all the way and with it your bare penis.
Then we go to dental dams and gloves for protection for oral sex and manual sex. If your partner has latex allergies you can get nitrile gloves and maybe dental dams but not sure. A little research will uncover that. People say you can use saran wrap for a dental dam, however, I remember going down on a partner who had her period once and I could still barely taste the copper flavor. I'm not convinced, but maybe I'm wrong-- user beware on that one. Gloves are good to protect you mostly from things under your partner's fingernails that they missed because there wasn't a brush on the sink for scrubbing under nails like there is on mine now.
However, the scientists say you can transmit herpes 1 (HSV1) from a partner's mouth or genitals into your body via microscopic cracks and cuts in the skin on your hands. If you already have HSV1 then it doesnt matter. You cannot transmit it from hands to genitals or mouth as far as I know, although there are some scientists who claim transmission may be easier than believed. Gloves are also good for shielding your skin from HPV, which could then be inadvertently rubbed onto genitals or inside the mouth and rectum while in the flow and throws of passion. We'll return to the risks of throws of passion and limiting those in the super-safe sex section. To conclude this section, my method for using dental dams:
Dental dams will creep up off the vulva or anus during oral sex if you dont have the bottom corners held against the woman's body with your fingers or with clothespins if she's into that. Also, have the hottie recipient hold the two top corners against her body so the dental dam is covering her vulva/anus fully. It helps to lube the side against her with some water-based lubricant. One hot thing with dental dams is if she has a very sensitive clitoris, you can do harder stimulation to it with your tongue than she can normally take. The dam softens the resulting sensations she feels and it may be the perfect amount to take her straight to a nice orgasm if you keep it up. It also lets you get a bit more firey in your mindset and roughness in your touch. Only use water-based lubes with latex condoms, gloves, and dams. Virgin cocont oil, my favorite, can be used with non-latex safe-sexwear like Skyn brand condoms and nitrile gloves. Saran wrap as well if you are comfy using it.
Super-Safe Sex: This has all of the above measures but does not allow mouth-to-mouth kissing. This eliminates another infection vector of herpes 1 and HPV. Kissing on the neck and body is okay. It also has what I call the 50 yard line rule. I call it that so the men will remember it easily. The 50 yard line, in this case is the imaginary mid point in space between partners. If a hand or set of genitals crosses over that line and approaches the body of the other person, it does so with fresh gloves on or maybe a fresh dental dam or condom, though not always necessary.
When the hands or genitals cross back to your side of the 50 yard line, you take off the gloves. This avoids accidental in-the-moment touching of your own genitals/anus, rubbing eyes, touching your mouth, while the sexual fluids and possibly transmittable HPV/HIV/HSV (insert other STD here) material, which is invisible. Manual sex is safe when you are aware of where your hands are going (to be washed) after you finish the event and you aren't concerned about HSV1 transmission. All sex toys used will have condoms on them if they have been used previously with others, that includes the handle too. Two condoms per toy. Total coverage. however, boiling sex toys for 5 mins does do the job so I'm told. If some part of a toy cannot be submerged, you have to cover it with a condom.
I want to say something about washing up immediately after sex. I've had women tell me that they're bothered by me doing that becase it's like I'm washing off because they're dirty. It's not that. It's to take care of excess semen for her sake and because that's what I do and a rule for safe sex practices. If she doesn't like that, then that's okay, we just won't be having sex again because they aren't interested in following my rules-- just theirs. Some have told me it breaks the intimacy and it may trigger abandonment issues. Once again, I follow my safe sex rules. Everyone here having sex is an adult, not a five year old. I tell them I'll be back to cuddle right after I've followed my rules.
Again, if they don't like that, then it's a no-go and say you had a wonderful time, but you have to get dressed and leave. They can take up abandonment issues with their therapist, not their lovers who won't be gone longer than a five minutes tops to clean up. You can even take partners into the shower with you to not break the mood. If you're that triggered around that issue, then re-evaluate on whether or not you're ready to have partnersex at this point in your life. I'm sure men have their pressure statements too to which you apply the same response. Emotional and mental issues are never an excuse to compromise your rules. I agree to disagree with those who think otherwise.
Another part of super-safe sex rules are disclosure of STI/STD infection status and the last time you were tested. Here's my blog on when to exchange STD test results. It discusses how you can establish an emailable test result page to your new partner. That's not a perfect clean bill of health as you still can't be sure of how many partners they've had or how safe the sex they've been having is since their last test. It is much better than not having it in-hand.
Now, let's discuss super-safe sex technique and mindset. Perhaps the biggest culpret of condom breaks and sudden pull-offs is during fast and hard intercourse. The cock ring solves the pull off, but not the break. Men need to learn what it feels like to have their penis head rammed up tight into the semen reservoir. When that happens, condom breaks are much easier. If something suddenly feels funny, withdraw and check it out. Again, care for her and your safety. You're much more likely to be invited back for more sex later. You could use slower to medium speed intercourse pumpings to keep the break possibility much-reduced or be aware of how things feel while you're doing fast and hard and for how long.
The voracious, vampire, firey sex approach is very hot, and, it's also out of its own mind. The nature of that intention and action is you don't care about anything but consuming the hottie or hot guy. That can make you do things without safety in place or make "oops!" mistakes even if you do. That can make you lose it and kiss them. If you want super-safe sex, choose to do that kind of sex with your primary partner if you're non-monogamous or someone you choose to enter into a monogamous relationship with and you know their status. Do people know their oral HPV status these days? No. Genital? No. Only women know the genital status and men constantly transmit to women. Yes, HPV and the cancer it can cause is what is causing me the most concern these days, not HIV. Remember, even with condoms, HPV is still possibly transmittable to each other. Read my blogs on that for more info. Due to damn HPV, there is no 100% safe sex unless you are presently monogamous and your bodies have cleared the virus.
There's also emotionally safe sex. I have a partner who does not kiss me due to HSV1 protection and also because she saves that for her primary partner in her non-monogamous relationship. I'm now following the same rules with my new primary partner, Kira. It creates an emotional attachment safety. Yes, there's more about safe sex than just physical health. The extra levels of latex and attention to following the rules also keeps the two of you more in a mode of lighter erotic fun and hotness than deeper levels.
For those new to my blog, I write on my and others' sex life, in erotica form, because many of us need only read of an example of what really is possible. It so often lights a desire to "Want to do that. Feel that." They want to learn how to have better sex through sex advice and sex education, maybe for the first time in their lives. I also intend to present to my readers the reality of great sex from basic to advanced. Finally, ever wonder how good the sex that your sex therapist is having in their own sex life? I have. I'm not a sex therapist, I don't do sex therapy. I'm a sex life coach. I teach and I do.