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Don't confuse them.
By Ema Drouillard — Written on Jan 06, 2023
The love that we most often see portrayed in life is that of the bargain, playing the game with each other, you do this and I'll do that.
That is why we refer to it as a compromise.
As we really think about the question, "Am I in love?" and discover the way love truly operates through us, we can see it with new eyes.
Chemistry moves us into thinking there is something here, something for us. We feel the chemistry and we are sure there is more love available in this connection, more passion, more life, and more everything.
Here's the catch; the chemistry is about the genetic pool. The genes demand reproduction and the genes are looking to continue their mutative process through us. It is all about reproduction.
This chemistry comes from our differences. We are attracted to what we don't have and chemistry wants us to reproduce with someone different than ourselves.
Biologically and genetically, we are drawn to the pool of what's different. It's easy to see how genetics run our life when we are young and are seeking a mate for family life.
The genetic pool doesn't care how hard it is to be with someone so different, because our gene pool is on track only to procreate. We are designed by nature to reproduce and deep within us, this is what drives us to follow chemistry.
The moment that anything is different, that anything is not like us, that's the moment that new genetic material can be created. So, we end up in an age-old trap of being caught in the attraction to opposites and then suffering in a relationship that really doesn't fit us, but worked well for the genetic pool.
When we follow the chemistry, we are stuck in a trap. The moment that human genetics is not responsible for mating us to our exact opposites, we will be naturally drawn to look for likeness: the exact polarity is where we can be secure.
It's proven that the more we share in common, the stronger and more likely we will be to enjoy each other's company. We don't have a natural tendency to select likenesses. Genetically, it's boring.
It can often be hard to notice the person most like us at any gathering. We rarely notice them. We don't ask ourselves, "What is that? That's different." Because it's not.
It's important when we're looking for a relationship, that we recognize that there is no tension. From our capacity to be awake, to be clear that in any relationship with anyone, it starts with being comfortable with the other.
Chemistry carries tension and is often interpreted to mean sexual tension. We're here to discover that, in comfort, lies peace. Begin to feel the different levels of comfort and begin to appreciate it, like the most comfortable place you have ever been.
Comfort becomes more interesting than sparks flying. Sparks are, in reality, hard to handle. Tension often leads to the opposite place - hate rather than love in the end.
When meeting someone, be on the lookout for someone that feels smooth without tension, like a peaceful lake in the early morning just waiting for you to dive in. The water is wet and fresh.
Your newfound wisdom can lead you to live in peace with those you love. The moment we see love for what it is, we can really be with somebody.
Without looking to the potential of what is going to work or change or get better, it offers us a way to be more and more attracted to what's comfortable and natural for us.
Be wise and look for what is alike, the more the same the better. If you need excitement, go jump out of a plane.
When we are young, we are subject to this internal instinctual drive. As we grow older, we can more clearly see the chemistry of being different and what true companionship is.
Watch for someone that feels comfortable and dive in.
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Ema Drouillard is a certified life coach with over 20 years of experience helping people focus on the tools needed to enrich their relationships.