Ever gone through a string of failed relationships and wondered WTF? This could be the culprit.
The pattern is a familiar one. At first, things are great. Your new boyfriend looks he's the end-all, fantasy relationship that you've been searching for.
After a little while, though, doubts start to creep in until they grow too big to ignore. Then, in the final death knell moment, you dump them for greener pastures and venture into the great dating unknown to find ... nothing great. Regrets abound.
The I never do anything right demon makes a visit, and you try in vain to get your ex back, but to no avail. Or, you move on to a new relationship to find that it's shiny and great—for a little while.
Humans are creative beasts. We are able to change situations completely with our minds. This power is both heaven and hell; it simply depends upon how it's used. If you're prone to self-sabotage like I was, then you know it's a downright destructive force.
If you're not quite sure what's ailing you when it comes to failed after failed relationship, you're probably the victim of these destructive mindsets.
1. This isn't great anymore, so it obviously sucks.
My personal brand of relationship self-sabotage looked a lot like this one. It was like once the initial feeling of roller coaster courtship excitement wore off, I was left with a lingering feeling of, Maybe this isn't right, since I'm not enthralled and excited every single moment.
If this is you, consider whether you might be addicted to dating drama and unable to accept it if things are just run of the mill "good."
2. The grass MUST be greener.
It's easy to compare your day-to-day boring interactions to someone else's perfect Facebook life. Or how your BFF seems to always date people who would crawl over broken glass to make her happy.
This can cause you to start to think, I could do better. Whether you could or you couldn't do better, the idea that you're somehow missing out can burrow into your brain and run amok.
3. You're not worthy.
"Hello fractured self-confidence. I see you've chosen to rear your ugly head today and wreak havoc here. Welcome to the party!"
This brand of self-sabotage is what people are really talking about when they prattle on about loving yourself first before you can love anyone else. It's not that you have to text yourself love notes all day long, it's that a crappy self-image can help you tank everything good in your life faster than virtually anything else.
Believing that you don't deserve someone who treats you well will repel just that and cause you to hit the kill switch on something that could be great if you'd just stop messing with it.
4. You didn't realize you're not perfect … until right now.
After enough days of watching anyone toss their socks on the ground at the front door after work, it's easy to start thinking of your lover not as the mythical being that they were in the beginning of your relationship, but more like a real-life human with foibles and quirks.
Having your beloved step down from their pedestal is a jarring experience that can make you question your attraction to them. The fact is, we're all flawed. We're all a work in progress. And most of us wear socks.
5. This isn't what you ordered.
Movie clichés, comparison and normal day-to-day interactions can all lead to a growing sense that the life you expected to have after you fell in love doesn't quite exist in the way you expected it to.
6. You're cool, but most of your "kind" isn't.
You can apply this destructive mindset to any potential suspicions you might have about the motives of the opposite sex. It's incredibly difficult to have a good relationship with a man who you deep down don't trust because they're "one of them." "Them" being a member of the opposite sex who you aren't sure about or usually dislike ... unless you're trying to date one of them.
Here are the best ways I know of to manage the self-sabotage beast:
Manage Your Expectations
When you think to yourself This isn't like I expected or That's not how he's supposed to act, consider where you got your expectation and whether or not it's realistic. For example, expecting that someone will treat you respectfully and kindly is non-negotiable.
Expecting that he will contact you every day on a certain set schedule that he isn't even aware of is not reasonable. (Thinking that every day of your relationship will be like a fairy tale isn't realistic either.)
Give Yourself Reality Checks
If you're feeling dissatisfaction or disappointment about your relationship, run your underlying beliefs past an insightful, honest friend. Don't be afraid to ask the people in your life who have good relationships what things are really like behind closed doors. Hearing, "We have awesome days and not awesome days," is very real, and it can help you from letting your own expectations run amok.
Push Back From Social Media
Ever notice that you feel crappy after logging onto Facebook?
A recent study in the journal of Computers in Human Behavior showed that the use of social networking sites (like Facebook) correlates with increasing divorce rates over the study period, even when the researchers controlled for other factors.
This finding is just another good reason (among many) to log off of social media and start living your life in person.
Keep Your Hobbies, Friends And Interests
Happiness is an inside job. If you're expecting your partner to magically fulfill your every desire and be "your whole world," one of these days they're going to disappoint you simply by virtue of being human. A good relationship should complement your life, not be the all-encompassing force that sustains your happiness.
Work On Your Destructive Mindsets About The Opposite Sex
If you believe that all men are pigs, then it's guaranteed to trip you up. You might be able to suspend your beliefs for long enough to start a relationship, but sooner or later this kind of stuff is going to pop up and sabotage you. Either he will eventually sense it and be driven away, or you'll show your distrust for him and firebomb that bridge.
If you feel like you've been wronged, get therapy, work on it and get over it. Don't generalize your feelings to "all of them."
Ever sabotaged a good relationship? Had a hard time keeping your love alive? If you see yourself in this article, you must check out a free copy of my book, Why Men Lose Interest. It explains what you can do to stop the cycle and regain your power with men. Get your free copy here.
This article was originally published at Digital Romance Inc. Reprinted with permission from the author.