Why do bad boys have to be so SEXY?
Among the frustrating patterns that we can experience is the allure of the infamous bad boy.
So why do we like them? WHAT’s so freaking attractive about the bad boy that keeps us coming back for more?
First, let’s talk about the reasons bad boys suck us in to begin with, then I’ll go over how to quit attracting them. Here are eight reasons bad boys are so addictive:
1. They're confident.
One of the reasons that bad boys are so attractive in the first place is that they exude magnetic confidence. The bad boy doesn’t give a toss what we think, and this is exactly why we’re drawn in. Confidence is ALWAYS the main factor in attractiveness and bad boys usually have it in spades.
2. The sex is HOT.
Usually sex with bad boys is hot since they’re so confident. Also, we wouldn’t get hooked on them so easily if there wasn’t a chemical bond aspect of the whole thing.
3. We think we can fix them.
The bad boys song and dance about his damaged past makes us want to get closer and heal that deep well of pain somehow “with our love.” This isn’t possible, it’s actually a codependent and a maladaptive pattern, but often we still want to try anyway.
4. They're unpredictable.
I’ve talked about the law of intermittent rewards before since it has a lot to do with what we do in relationships — working to screw us over in the background. Basically, we will keep doing something if we’re only rewarded some of the time without any discernible pattern.
When it comes to the bad boy, sometimes when we contact him or hang out, we’re rewarded. Sometimes not. The unpredictability of it makes us want to keep trying.
5. They say what we want to hear.
Because they do whatever they darn well please, often we’re sucked in by lies, half truths and straight faced statements like, “Oh no, I’m not dating anyone else, but babe why do you want to label it, let’s just enjoy ourselves.” This kind of crap just rolls off his tongue and often it’s exactly what we want to hear.
6. They're a challenge.
At our most masochistic, getting the bad boy to turn good becomes a challenge that we’ll undertake for the simple possibility that just MAYBE we can be the woman he “changes for”. Getting a bad boy to hang up his badness and change “for us” seems like a way he’ll be proving his love to us.
7. Their games give a false sense of hope.
Human beings want what is denied to them. The bad boy shows us how great it COULD be with him, then he invariably snatches it away, making us want to push to get him back. When we’re off balance and striving this way, it distracts from the fact that he’s really just acting like a withholding jerk who will never actually meet our needs. But he hints that he will, so the cycle of push and pull continues.
8. The drama is addictive.
Sometimes when we court relationships with a lot of conflict because conflict is distracting. Conflict eats up so much of our time and energy that we’re temporarily exempt from worrying about the future. Drama provides a temporary refuge from real life.
Instead of focusing on what we really want, drama lets us stall. Drama is creative life fulfillment procrastination. The bad boy plays right into this since he can be relied on to provide heaps of upheaval and potential devastation.
So How Do You Stop Dating Bad Boys?
Sometimes despite our best efforts, we keep attracting the same kind of guy over and over. This usually happens until we put in firm boundaries that disqualify people who show signs of being bad for us.
So how do you disqualify the bad boy instead of getting tangled up with one?
Sharpen Your Bullsh*t Detector
If you continually find yourself with these characters, there were likely red flags flying in the beginning that you blew right past. If you sense that Mr. Sex Bomb is a player, listen to your intuition. Watch for grandiose stories and large gestures meant to win you over.
Choose Compatibility Over Chemistry
Chemistry can grow as you get to know someone better. However, it’s unlikely that you’ll actually become more compatible with someone over time. Bad boys usually provide a GLIMPSE of something that we want and then snatch it away. Real compatibility — i.e. wanting the same things as someone else — doesn’t wane. It simply is.
Get Excited About Your Own Life
When women complain of always attracting bad boys, one thing they mention to me over and over is that they “get bored” with regular men so these firecracker disaster guys seem so attractive and different.
Prevent this by getting passionate about creating an awesome life of your own. When you’re passionately interested in your own life, the bad boy will represent a hazard rather than a creative way to stave off boredom. Stop writing off stable men as boring.
Absorb The Mantra, “Love Does Not Equal Drama and Pain”
Okay, repeat after me: “Love does not equal drama and pain.” Tattoo it on your arm if you have to. If you’re experiencing drama and pain, this does not mean that you’re “suffering for love” it means something is wrong. When you feel bad, this is a sign that things aren’t going well, not that you need to try harder.
Look For Patterns
Does everyone you date treat you the same way in the beginning?
Do you always act on “butterflies” or “sparks” or something else?
If you look at what’s alike about the guys you date, sometimes a really clear pattern will emerge. If you go against this pattern or feel yourself getting sucked in by the same tactics, take a step back. The bad boy will try to move things along at his own pace, so slow way down.
Take a Wait and See Approach
Don’t commit, jump into anything, or declare any dude “The One” in the first few months of being together. Bad boys (and psychos) will either be totally glib about commitment and refuse to take it seriously, OR they’ll push for it right away to tie you down and obligate you to stick around. Obviously, neither is a recipe for success.
Time is your ally. You’ll learn everything you need to know if you sit back and pay attention without doing anything permanent.
Do you constantly date guys who seem to pull away and disappear? Find out how to break that annoying cycle with a free copy of my book, Why Men Lose Interest and daily (almost) email series. Get your copy here.
This article was originally published at Digital Romance Inc. Reprinted with permission from the author.