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You could be self-sabotaging your relationship and not know it, according to a relationship expert.
By Elizabeth Stone
Last updated on Nov 18, 2023
You probably do things that turn your partner off without even realizing it. Despite your best intentions, you could be daring your lover to break up with you by doing these things.
While every couple's dynamic is different, there are some common bad habits we develop in relationships that, when left unchecked, could unintentionally lead to a breakup.
Knowing the self-sabotaging behaviors to avoid can help you keep your relationship healthy and sustain lasting love.
Here are 6 things to stop doing in your relationship if you don't want to break up:
1. Not appreciating them
Have you ever had someone not seem to care or notice all the little things you did for them? It’s a super common complaint, and it feels miserable.
Lack of appreciation is a relationship killer more than anything else on this list. Why? Because after a while, the unappreciated partner feels like they don’t matter to the other person.
Love turns into resentment, and the relationship begins to crash and burn. Have you heard the quote, "The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference," by Eli Wiesel? When you don’t recognize the little sacrifices the other person makes for you daily, it sows deep seeds of resentment.
2. Being unappeasable
Relationships can end over not being able to make a partner happy.
Happiness is an aphrodisiac. If you've heard a lover say to you, "No matter what I do, you aren’t happy?", these words are a cause for alarm. This is insidious because your partner may often internalize general complaints and criticisms as their fault, especially if they can’t solve the issues.
It is not a dramatic change anyone can point to and say, "Well, one day, they just weren't happy ever again." Unhappiness erodes a person's confidence in their ability to please their partners over time.
This is why it becomes doubly important to cultivate an atmosphere of happiness and lightness in your relationship. If you aren’t happy, they aren’t happy.
Keep that in mind when you’re sharing your disappointment and discontent — regardless of whether it was your lover's fault or not.
3. Acting like you are the boss
There are times in a relationship when one partner is guilty of being bossy and ordering their partner around. What you need is healthy communication about your wants and needs. Sometimes, how you deliver the message is the main issue. Other times, it’s the negative energy behind the message.
If you are used to being in control and super efficient at work, perhaps it’s time to give yourself a little time to transition when you get home.
Grab a few minutes to yourself between activities to allow for a graceful transition that will help you go from being a boss to being a loving partner.
4. Abandoning self-care
It’s so common to get into a relationship and become less active or start wearing sweats all the time and think it isn’t too big of a deal.
Often, couples spiral downward together, only to wake up one day and realize they both need improvements to their physical and emotional well-being.
5. Pestering
Pestering isn’t fun for the pesterer or the pestered. It sets up an uncomfortable situation where one partner feels they have suddenly regressed to childhood with their Mom constantly telling them to pick up their socks. The pesterer feels their partner is complaining but isn’t pulling their weight in the relationship — not a great dynamic.
Not only should you stop if you are prone to pestering, but if you are being pestered, it’s time to start looking at how you can help out, remember details, and make your partner feel more taken care of.
Having been on both sides myself, this pestering dynamic can become a habit between a couple.
6. Discounting mutual friend time
A great relationship requires hobbies, outside interests, and strong friendships. If you are struggling to keep the spark alive, understand both of you might need time apart — the good kind.
Maintaining your friendships and allowing your partner time to maintain theirs helps provide the air any relationship needs to thrive.
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Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.