Why You'll Never Meet The Right Partner


Why You'll Never Meet The Right Partner
Give up the search - and figure out how to actually create love instead.

I'm sorry for that alarming headline, but the truth is, most of the women we hear from are a lot more focused on "finding Ms. Right" than on becoming Ms. Right - i.e., learning what it actually takes to create lasting intimacy, and clearing your blocks to really letting that intimacy in. (We specialize in working with lesbians - but what we have to say here applies to people of all genders and sexual orientations!)

Michelle and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday. We are right for each other in many, many ways. We have a relationship that is frankly much better, deeper, more loving, more trusting, more connected than anything either one of us could have previously imagined. Yet, we are also two very different people — and sometimes, those differences don't align well with each other. So, one of the things I said to her during our anniversary picnic near a beautiful creek was, "Thank you for being my most intimate trigger-er."

What really makes us most right for each other is this: we both have a deep commitment to learning from, and continuing to love each other through, our triggers and challenges. Now, this might not be what you want to hear. I can relate. For a long time, I secretly hoped for a relationship that wouldn't "push my buttons". When those most painful buttons did get pushed, I worked really hard to get my girlfriend(s) to stop pushing them! I've been told that I was a formidable arguer. One girlfriend referred to my "debate team personality." Another told me that I sounded like an attorney when we argued.

What do you think? Did that get me the love, intimacy and connection I longed for? I bet you already know the answer.

The truth is that love relationships aren't about either person being "right." They are a slippery, challenging, maddening, delightful, growthful, enriching, amazing, wondrous, and challenging. We hear from lots of couples who say "We're deeply in love  but we bicker constantly." Whenever I hear that word, "bicker," I shudder. "Bickering" means power struggles, pushing and pulling, yanking and hurting. I know, I've been there, not only does it not work but it actually kills love.

This is why, eight years in, Michelle and I are so passionate about sharing the tools and skills it took us so long to gain and help you find or sustain lasting love a lot more easily.That's why we would love to work with you as your coaches,

  • If you're single, we'll help you heal from past relationships, define what you want, heal whatever get in the way of your finding it and then navigate the wondrous but challenging terrain when you do begin to date someone you really like. (And if you're not sure you want another relationship, that's fine too, it's not required! Either way, we'll help you heal your relationship to relationships.)
  • If you're partnered but having some struggles, we'll help you, or the both of you, to sort out what's really getting in the way, and build the skills to heal your conflicts and create joyful, sustainable intimacy. (Or if that's not possible, we'll help you see why - and decide what to do about it.)
  • If you're already in a good relationship, but want to go even deeper, we can help with that too! We've developed some amazing practices that keep us growing and thriving, separately and together — and we'd love to share them with you.

Our coaching is very different from therapy or couples counseling (and can work much more quickly!) We'll coach you together, two-on-one (or two-on-two), so you get the benefit of both of our perspectives, hearts and minds. Relationships don't have to be such hard work — at least, not the kind of work that wears you out and makes you sick of the whole thing! You must stop demanding the other person be someone that she isn't — and work with loving her just as she is (while also loving ourselves just as we are.)

By the way, we're not telling you to "be a doormat" or put up with abuse. Not at all. We're talking about being fully self-respecting and self-loving, and then let that love spill over onto your partner, too.  She's bound to treat you better and be more open with you when she feels appreciated for who she is. Then you can establish a cycle of positive reinforcement, and grow intimacy instead of conflict in your relationship garden. 

But it starts with becoming Ms. Right, rather than searching for her!

Read more how to fix a relationship advice from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Drs. Ruth Schwartz & Michelle Murrain

Relationship Coach

Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D. and Michelle Murrain, Ph.D.

Conscious Girlfriend: Your Path to Happy, Healthy Lesbian/Queer Relationships



Location: Healdsburg, CA
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Drs. Ruth Schwartz & Michelle Murrain:

What Robin Williams' Death Says About You And Me


Robin Williams' death shocked many of us. It's always shocking to glimpse the depth of another person's vulnerability and pain — particularly when it's someone we've admired and placed on a pedestal. But it's a very important kind of shock to feel — a good shock, if we let ourselves learn from it.  Why? ... Read more

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Sex


If your sex education was typical, you probably grew up hearing about "the birds and the bees" or the stork that brought you. Although if you were really lucky, perhaps you had parents who held their breath and sputtered something about penises and vaginas, and sperm and eggs in a five minute sex education fiasco that pretty much guaranteed none of ... Read more

Has The Damage Already Been Done?


We are both in our late 30's, we dated for about 2 months last year and then reconnected recently.  I am very much in love with her and have never been more willing to work,  learn, and be more vulnerable. But I am devastated by our steady decline. I struggle with PEP, she struggles with PAP. We trigger each other quite a bit in different ways. ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Most Popular