“Help! I always fall for bi women who leave me for men!”


“Help! I always fall for bi women who leave me for men!”
Help! I always end up with bisexual women who end up leaving me for men.

Dear CG,

Help! I always end up with bisexual women who end up leaving me for men. This is the 4th time it’s happened! In the beginning they always gush on and on: “You’re so beautiful, you’re such a goddess” and I fall for it every time. Then later they’re like “Well, I’m sorry, I really like you, but…”  My heart can’t take this any more!!  What is wrong, and how can I fix it?? — S.D., Chicago

Dear S.D.,

Ouch. That does sound incredibly painful. I am so sorry you are going through this.

The issue really isn’t that your partners are bisexual, though. (Bisexual women are just as capable of committing to one partner as anyone else.)  We hear from lots of women who have similar patterns that play out just a little differently. For instance, “I always fall for women that aren’t over their exes yet,” or “I always fall for women who are poly, even though I want a monogamous relationship,” or “I always fall for women who live far away,” or…

So, let’s look at what these scenarios have in common. They all involve someone who thinks, “I’m here, I’m available, my heart is open – why can’t I meet my match?”

What I’ve discovered time and time again, both in my personal experience and with my therapy clients, is this:

When you feel like you’re saying Yes and the universe is saying No, the truth is that somewhere inside of you, there is also a big loud No – and that’s what the universe is echoing.

Please know that I’m not saying you want or deserve this situation. Of course you don’t want it or deserve it. And it’s not your “fault.” Yet somewhere inside of you, there are beliefs, fears or needs that are leading you to re-create it, to get drawn into it, again and again.

Now, it can be very painful to face this truth – but ultimately it’s a joyful and empowering truth, because it means that since you have been (unconsciously) creating your own suffering, you have the power to change it! (Which is part of why we at Conscious Girlfriend love to say, “You have the power to transform your relationship destiny!”)

Here is an exercise I often do with clients to help them locate that inner “No.” If you’re brave enough, you can even do it by yourself. Here’s how.

Let yourself get into a calm, centered, meditative state.  Relax, breathe deeply, feel the surfaces underneath you, remember your connection to the earth, and to yourself. Place a hand on your own heart.  Come into your body as fully as you can.

Then try on a preview of what you believe you want. Say to yourself, “Okay, I’ve met my match. She is completely, 100% available. She’s single and unattached, she lives nearby, I’m just her type, she’s just my type, she’s perfect for me, and she’s totally into me.  All systems are GO.”

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Drs. Ruth Schwartz & Michelle Murrain

Relationship Coach

Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D. and Michelle Murrain, Ph.D.

Conscious Girlfriend: Your Path to Happy, Healthy Lesbian/Queer Relationships



Location: Healdsburg, CA
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Drs. Ruth Schwartz & Michelle Murrain:

What Robin Williams' Death Says About You And Me


Robin Williams' death shocked many of us. It's always shocking to glimpse the depth of another person's vulnerability and pain — particularly when it's someone we've admired and placed on a pedestal. But it's a very important kind of shock to feel — a good shock, if we let ourselves learn from it.  Why? ... Read more

Why You'll Never Meet The Right Partner


I'm sorry for that alarming headline, but the truth is, most of the women we hear from are a lot more focused on "finding Ms. Right" than on becoming Ms. Right - i.e., learning what it actually takes to create lasting intimacy, and clearing your blocks to really letting that intimacy in. (We specialize in working with lesbians - but what we have ... Read more

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Sex


If your sex education was typical, you probably grew up hearing about "the birds and the bees" or the stork that brought you. Although if you were really lucky, perhaps you had parents who held their breath and sputtered something about penises and vaginas, and sperm and eggs in a five minute sex education fiasco that pretty much guaranteed none of ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Most Popular