Photo: getty
Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?
By Evelyn and Paul Moschetta — Written on May 10, 2018
Bad boys are men who act like delinquent teenagers. They lie, cheat and refuse to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they blame others and sooth themselves with self-righteous hurt and anger.
For bad boys, an intimate relationship is just another place to have control and get their way. Without the control, the relationship gets too "difficult," and they withdraw to look for the next victim.
Bad boy love leads to toxic relationships that are also addictive. It's toxic because it comes at the price of your dignity and self-esteem. It's addictive because the horrible times are interspersed with good times.
Researchers tell us this kind of intermittent reinforcement is the hardest to break. When the pain is interrupted by brief periods of pleasure, it keeps you hooked. You're always hoping that the next happy period is just around the corner. That's why women typically don't leave these toxic relationships, instead they get left.
Women who repeatedly find themselves abused in dead-end relationships are often reliving a familiar childhood script. Parents may have been the first persons incapable of loving them fully. This can set-up a lifelong pattern of "looking for love in all the wrong places."
Bad boys fit right in here. They have little genuine love to offer on the one hand and seem (wrongly so) like a major conquest on the other ("he may have not loved others well, but I'll be the one that's different"). Children often blame themselves for a father or mother's inability to fully love them. A child may conclude they are unlovable, and as an adult, they may operate with the (mostly unconscious) belief that "if I get someone to love me who is not capable of fully loving, then I must be special. Getting someone to love me who is capable of loving does not count." Hence, the attraction to bad boys.
Looking to break free from these toxic relationships and finally get over your attraction to bad boys? Here are five ways to start.
1. Find something you like to do and pursue it with passion.
It could be photography, making jewelry, community theater or volunteering at a local hospital or animal shelter. It doesn't matter what it is, just do something just for yourself that has meaning for you. This will keep up your individuality and independence and be a hedge against falling into a smothering, codependent relationship.
2. Do not idealize him or the relationship.
It's fine to acknowledge the good qualities and good times as long as you are willing to stare point blank at the bad qualities and bad times. Sometimes the truth does hurt, and you'll shy away from seeing it because it will lead to difficult choices.
Idealizing is a sure formula for future pain. The truth might well set you free, but you'll find out you can survive and be better for it.
3. Keep your good friends close and confide in them.
Ask friends you trust what they see going on in your relationship. You will need an alternative point of view because bad boys are so convincing they can distort your perception. Doubting yourself is common when you are consistently diminished.
Trust your intuition and instincts. When something doesn't feel right, pay attention to it.
4. Don't say yes when you mean no.
This is how you give away your self-worth and integrity. These are precious jewels no partner should threaten or diminish. Ask for what you need. Don't settle for crumbs. If your needs are not as important as his and you go along with it, you are building your own prison.
5. Give up and get out.
When the signs are clear that you are in a dead-end abusive relationship, get out. Do not make excuses. Do not waste more time trying to get blood from a stone. You are not damaged goods.
Focus on present realities rather than dramatizing how bad things will be in the future. Rally friends and family, make an exit plan and follow it step by step.
Evelyn and Paul Moschetta are marriage counselors who are also a married couple themselves. They have written three books dealing with marriage and couple relationships: Are You Roommates or Soul Mates?, The Marriage Spirit, and Caring Couples. For twelve years they were contributing editors to the Ladies Home Journal Magazine.