A heart touching story of anxiety and "unworthiness" transformed by the energy of attraction.
Savannah is our oldest child, and being first, is the one we learned the most from. Translation, we screwed up the most and learned what not to do. We lacked the ability to hold a clear and safe structure for her and at the same time pushed certain structures and expectations, resulting in temper flares on both sides, resistance, and struggle. She made us mad…and we made her mad.
Structure, boundaries, and the emotion “anger” are associated with the Wood Element (in the eastern philosophy of “Five Elements”). It is developed from having a clear structure and rituals in life, and allows a person to see clearly…to have a clear vision of what they want, and the patience to allow it to unfold. In our struggle, Savannah learned that her wants make other people angry, which does not support a strong self esteem.
As a result, she is the most considerate child we have. Which, like all sweet fruit, will weaken your body if overdone. She also has a significant sensitivity to correction. She is crushed if the actions she takes creates unhappiness in others. That anxiety leads to a hesitation in going after what she wants…she has too much energy devoted to making others happy.
I observed her hesitation in soccer, where she would wait for other kids get the ball if they were both close. After one game, I even inquired… “It looked like you were pulling up when the ball came near you, letting the other team get it….what happened?” She shared that the girl across from her said, “stay away from my ball.” And like a hypnotic suggestion, she couldn’t force herself to cause unhappiness in this opposing player.
We worked on that emotionally in her, increasing energy to the Fire Element…the energy of acquisition, desire, and passion. In nature, wood creates fire…and in life, vision creates passion. When she was emotionally triggered by someone else’s unhappiness, she was energetically blocked from her desire…being a good soccer player, which means beating that person to the ball. She couldn’t impose her will if it was affecting someone else.
We used a Five Element acupressure technique to create energy in her Fire Element, and she had the game of her life the next week, scoring her first goal of the last two years. She was beating people to the ball, and looked more aggressive than I have ever seen her. She won the sportsmanship award for her team that game, and all three of her coaches commented on what a different player she was.
To carry forward that energy, we went back to the soccer field the day after to practice, with a mixed up team of our five year old twins, Gates and Amory, and Sacred and Savannah. At one point, Sacred and Savannah scored on the twins and me, and as Gates went to get the ball out of the net, Savannah stole it and playfully started back up the field. Gates was yelling, which triggered my sensitivity about the emotional state of the five year old, and I corrected Savannah…yelled and corrected.
Immediately, her heart sunk, her head fell, and she quit. I failed to validate her feelings at that point, instead telling her how I was right…that it was his ball in that moment, and I just wanted to hold peace and structure. That didn’t work….at all!
She sat under a tree for awhile, while we kept playing. But the pain inside her was too much to sit still. She said she was walking home…I responded that she may not. I said that I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings…I was just trying to keep the peace, and asked her to come play.
She was really upset, crying…trying to call Mom to come get her when we took a water break. She was lying under the bench, dialing and redialing…crying…her heart was broken, and she couldn’t think of anything but escaping the situation.
I attempted another strategy…I asked her to notice the emotional charge she was feeling. I asked her to say “no” to it. I explained to her that it was costing her desire and fun…the passion of playing better and the fun of just playing at all. I explained to her that I have wasted too many moments… minutes…hours… in that emotional state of…”I’m not important.” And that it’s taken me 40 years to be somewhat successful at saying no to that lie.
I shared a story of my own emotional charge over “not feeling important,” and how I said “no” to it by rising up from the lie…above the lie…to see the reality.
I reminded her that she knows that the “I’m not important” story is a lie. That she knows how important she is…that she is the glue and connection of our family (she is a big reason Sonya and I stayed together, and have openly thanked her for coming to us at the right time, with the right energy).
I asked her siblings if any of them believe that Savannah is “not important.” Sacred and Gates both testified how important Savannah is to our family and to them personally.
I asked her to “Rise Above This Lie” and not let it ruin her day…to come play with us as the important person she is.
She did! The trance was broken…the truth was felt and recognized. She was happy and ready to play.
Within the flow of the Five Elements, this is called the Energy of Attraction…You speak highly of yourself…to yourself…and to others…you share your value and beauty…and if you can’t, you ask someone else to do it for you. “Why do you like me, love me, think I am important?”
She didn’t know to ask, so I just offered…I proclaimed the truth. Sacred proclaimed too, she actually said that she would “die” without her. Hearing her value from us returned her to reality.
And the result…we had fun…we were happy together…playing…her Fire energy restored.
I later told her how proud I was of her for her bravery of overcoming the emotional charge. I told her that I know too well how it feels…and how that feeling has been more powerful than me for so many years, costing me time, connection, and passion. I wondered out loud how amazing she will be at 40 when she just accomplished at age 11 what it took me a full 40 to figure out.
She smiled…and so did I. That’s the vision I want her to hold.
PS. I also want to point out that this experience was very connecting and strengthened our heart bond. And it would NOT HAVE HAPPENED if I had not made mistakes…if I had not hurt her heart in the first place, in that moment, and in the past…if I had not been an imperfect parent. Don’t regret mistakes…fix them…use them to strengthen your heart connections.
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Dr. Stone practices Integrated Natural Medicine using a Five Element approach to identify your negative patterns of body and spirit. His practice is located in beautiful Asheville, NC; with people driving 3+ hours for his hands on care. If you are in the vicinity and want to see Dr. Stone to increase your health and happiness, or to see "health coaching" options if you are not in the region, visit his practice here.